Dear Madame Toujours,

How long after having sex should a person wait before swimming?

Sincerely,
Careful

Cher M. ou Madame Careful,

Half the hour. If you are swimming too soon, your lover will be thinking that you are the big jerk. I am recommending that you are swimming first. This is the very good warm-up for preventing the cramps and improving the aerobic fitness.

Dear Madame Toujours,

What is the best way to handle an embarrassing personal bodily noise on a first date?

Sincerely,
Blushing

Cher M. ou Mlle. Blushing,

This is depending on whether you or your date for the evening is making the unfortunate sounds. If you are suspecting that your date is being the culprit, resist the urge to be jumping up in surprise and uttering the startled cry.

If you are being the guilty party, then it is more difficult. Upon emitting the undesirable noises, raise your head, glance suspiciously around at the other persons in the theatre or restaurant, then return your attention to your dinner or your conversation, making very clear with your expression that you are being far above noticing the vulgar noises.

Ah, but what if you are alone with the date and there is being nobody else to accuse? This is not the big emergency. Simply cock your head and demand to know if your date is "hearing that sound." Next, suggest that he or she "have it checked by the professional." As the alternative, you may insist that you are hearing the cry of the North American barking tarantula, the very large and aggressive hunting spider. Insist on going indoors immediately. If the date is still being dubious, suggest calling 911.

Dear Madame Toujours,

When meeting a woman for the first time, I often wonder whether to address her as Mrs. Miss, or Ms., and even when I surreptitiously check her ring finger, I guess wrong more than half the time. Is there some way to figure out which form of address to use before some woman snaps my head off?

Sincerely,
Headless

Cher M. Headless,

Non. There is being absolutely no way to be knowing this unless you are being formally introduced. This is one of the many privileges of being the woman. The woman, she is always knowing the correct address for les hommes, but the men, they can only be guessing for the women.

To make this even more amusing, Mme. ou Mlle. is being perfectly free to be waiting for you to make the best guess, and then no matter what you are guessing, she can be telling you that you are wrong and scorning you because you are being the big, hairy male chauvinist pig.

Bon Chance, Cher Readers, and remember that the etiquette, it is the foundation of the romance.

Dear Madame Toujours,

My husband complains I am no fun when he is drunk. I married him because 95% of the time, he is the sweetest, gentlest most easygoing person I have ever met, but when we go out late with friends, my sensitive guy turns assertive and opinionated, and one of his opinions is that I am a party pooper when I insist on driving home and not dancing naked in public fountains.
I could live with the fact that he turns into an ignorant, insensitive boob when he's inebriated. Our friends all love him anyway, and it really happens only once a month or so. It just really frosts my fanny to blush and apologize through a dinner party only to have Richie accuse me the next day of embarrassing him by being a stick-in-the-mud. Is there a solution?

Sincerely
Not the Life of the Party

Chere Mme. Party,

There are being only the two solutions to your big trouble. Either you must become very, very amusing at the parties, or you must demonstrate to M. Richie that he is being the big, obnoxious boob. Since I am assuming that you are not being interested in entertaining your friends by singing "Cabaret" while sitting in the punchbowl wearing only the feather boa, we will be concentrating on M. Richie.

Since you are saying that M. Richie is the very sensitive fellow when he is not wearing the lampshades on the head, I am recommending that you are presenting him with the documentation. You see that the problem is being that M. Richie is waking up in the morning and remembering that he was being very suave and erudite—much like M. James Bond. This is because his brains are being swollen from the alcohol.

For you is being the responsibility to correct for him the faulty memory.
I am not recommending that you are telling him that he is the big, stupid boob. This is only making him feel hurt and resentful and possibly driving him to drink. Non, I am telling you it is time to purchase for yourself the sleek, little video camera. Involve M. Richie in the purchase. Encourage him to study all of the gadgets and the settings. This is important because somebody will have to be knowing how to be plugging it into the television.

Now you can be bringing the camera to the parties with you. Playfully record all of M. Richie's adventures. At the very least, this will be making M. Richie to feel that you are being the very amusing person to take so much the big interest in him.

Wait several weeks. The next time that you are having the friends to visit, leap up from the chair and cry, "Let us be watching the very amusing video of M. Richie that I made at the party."
Now, while you are watching the video, you will point to the television where M. Richie is staggering about with the red face and the foolish expression and say, "Ha ha. My Richie, he is the card, n'est pas?" Possibly, M. Richie will begin to think that perhaps he should be sticking to the root beer at the parties, but more importantly, he will be convinced that you are, in fact, being very much more playful and frolicsome than he was once supposing.

Bon Chance, Mme. Party, and perhaps you should be learning all the words to "Cabaret" just in case.

Dear Madame Toujours,

Well, it has finally happened. My boyfriend of the past three years has finally asked me to marry him. Madame Toujours, I just don't know. For one thing, my three teenage sons are not particularly fond of Zeke. They ignore him, and he is always making jokes about sending them to military school.

Zeke has even gone over finances, and he says that, between my nursing salary and his unemployment check, we can easily afford military school for the boys. Then if I quit school, we could use the tuition money from my parents to bring his daughters to live with us and put them in a private school near our home.

On the one hand, I can see his point. The boys are completely out of control. They seem angry all the time, which is strange because they used to be sweet, happy children. On the other hand, I can't think how I would manage without them. I work all day then go to school at night. If it weren't for the boys, who would do the laundry, clean the house, cook dinner and take care of all those nagging little household repairs?

I don't know what to do.

Sincerely,
Confused

Chere Mlle. Confused,

Here is being the perfect example of the fellow who is NOT the ornament to your life. I am hoping very sincerely that he is the enormously pretty fellow because if he is not, then I am not understanding why you have not thrown him out onto the street and found for yourself the new lover.

M. Zeke, he is not the decent, honest gigolo who is making himself pleasant and charming to the family and the friends. Non, he is pretending that he is doing for you the big favor to be in love with you. Meanwhile, as you are working very hard to support him, he is getting rid of the inconvenient boys who are the rivals for his power and making room for the daughters so that he will not be having to pay any of the child supports.

Eh bien, always, I am hearing from les femmes, "Ce n'est pas possible. He is not having these thoughts. He is the poor, helpless one. If I am throwing him out, how will he eat? Where will he sleep? Who will be taking care of his children?"

Of course you are thinking this. You are not heartless. You are the very kind person. What you are not realizing is that M. Zeke, he will weep, and he will bluster, and he will make the very big noise. Then, when you are ignoring the big tantrum, he will go down the street to the house of your neighbor who has always been spiteful to you, and he will live with her.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Undecided. Do not worry. M. Zeke, he will be always landing on his feet.

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a young woman, twenty-seven, and my lover (Herbert) and I are planning to get married in about six months and I am trying to plan the wedding. This is harder than I expected. We are thinking of having some kind of theme wedding. You know, a western wedding, or a hillbilly wedding where Dad walks me down the aisle with a shotgun over his arm, or maybe a nude wedding; I have heard that this is very touching. What do you think would make a good theme?

Sincerely,
Want to do something different

Chere Mlle. Different,

What is it that you are thinking? You are wishing maybe to kill your mother? Me, I am not understanding what for is the wishing to be different with the wedding. The wedding, it is not for the young people who are getting married. It is for the mother who is wishing that she had not been in the family way when she was married and so did not have the time to plan the big, fussy wedding.

It is for the father who is wishing that his baby girl, she was not grown up. For him you are wearing the silly, white dress that is like the one that you wore when you were the little girl. Your father, maybe he is wishing that he was not having to pay for the very big, expensive wedding, but the dress, it is the one thing that he is not minding to pay for. Especially, he is not wishing to see his baby girl in the nude with the bosoms and so on.

Now me, I am wondering why it is that you are wishing to get married at all. If, as you Americans say, you are getting the milk for free, then why is it that you are wishing to buy the cow?

Bien sur, in the old days when I was the girl, it was that the careers for the women, they were not exciting. You could be the washerwoman, the seamstress, the milkmaid, the prostitute. Yes, you could have the little business in the home that pays for the meals. You could be for yourself the employer, but there is not the advancement, the growth, the satisfaction of crushing the employees beneath the heels. So the woman, she married the man who was the most wealthy, and she bought for herself all the clothes and the jewels and the silly, little dogs that could make her happy.

So you can see that you are the very lucky one who is not having the need to be married. You can have the lover and the exciting career and grind the employees under the heels all at the same time. Unless it is that your Herbert, he is the very wealthy fellow? This is good. Especially this is good in the state which has the laws about the community property.

Bon chance, Mlle. Different, and repeat to yourself every morning, “His money, it is my money and my money, it is my money, too.”

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am concerned. Recently my lover of five years has started calling me "Stubby. I do not think of this as a term of endearment. I told him as much, and he hit me on the shoulder in a friendly and jocular way. Obviously, the thrill is gone, but I care about the big galoot and I want to renew our passion. What can I do?

Sincerely,
"Stubby"

Chere Mlle. Stubby,

Very wisely you are turning to me before it is too late. Eh bien, if your lover has begun to call you, for example, Blobby or Pudgy, then I would be compelled to advise that you crush him publicly in a most painful fashion, and get for yourself the new lover.
"Stubby, however, this is not so bad. Vraiment, you are moving into a new phase of your relationship. Ce n’est pas le disastre. What you must do now is cling like the limpet to the old phase wherein he was addressing you as his "Little Love Blossom or at least "Fire of my Passion. If he was never calling you "Love Blossom" or "Fire of my Passion", crush him publicly and get yourself the new lover.

But non, you are wishing to keep your galoot. Tres bien. You see, he comes now to think that he is the only one for you, that you will not leave him, that he can impugn your height with the impunity. C’est tres maleheur. I will tell you what to do:

1. Wear the red or the black dress.
2. Go out in the evening without him.
3. Come back.
4. Be imprecise about your activities. For example, "Where have I been? Oh, with friends, or "What have I been doing? oh, not much."
5. Repeat steps one through four two or three times a month until your lover ceases to call you by the unflattering nicknames, then reduce to once a month.

I give you one word of warning. I do not tell you to have the affair: you wish to inflame your lover not (in this case) to crush him. Also, you will wish to have the proof of your innocence in case he is too much inflamed and accuses you of the unfaithfulness. You then present for him the assorted theater tickets, receipts and friendly witness who will say that they saw you to resist the advances of the many eager paramours. Handle this properly, and your lover will feel guilty and be very attentive to you for a month or so.

Bon chance, Mlle. Stubby and as we say in France, Vive L'amour

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a 25-year-old woman. A few days ago, a young man who I know slightly asked me out to dinner. He is good-looking, has a good job and is a very good conversationalist. The problem is this: I think he may be as psychopathic ax murderer. We have several mutual friends, and it is hard for me to avoid meeting him in social situations. What should I do? I am thinking of changing my phone number and moving out of town.

Sincerely,
Spooked

Chere Mademoiselle Spooked,

Ah, how I am missing the old days in France when the parents, they chose the husband, and the woman, she was only worrying about her lovers. C'est difficile, aujourd'hui to know the important details about a young man, but me, I will tell you what to do.
Some women, they have the difficulty to find out what kind of man is the one who has asked them to dinner. You have the big advantage because you are having the mutual friends. Is he the big chum for everybody, or does he lurk in dark corners and talk to the people who are invisible? Does he own the ax of his own? Does he spend the moonless nights digging the holes in his basement?

Speak to the past lovers of your gentleman friend. Are they all alive? Do they disappear in the mysterious fashion? These, they are the warning signs.

"So," you say, "What if I am asking all the questions and everybody says he is OK for everything?"

Me, I know ce n'est pas comfortable, the dating. There is the nervousness, the spilling of water in the lap, the spinach between the teeth. Almost, it is better if he is the ax murderer, non? But, l'amour, she is finding in the strange places sometimes.

But perhaps you are not wanting l'amour. Perhaps, the big fear with the ax murderer, it is because you are wishing to live alone with the forty cats and spy on the neighbors, oui? Me, I prefer l'amour, but I do not say that you must have a lover. The cats, they are the good company. They are affectionate. They are grateful to you for the food.

Bon chance, Mademoiselle Spooked. Do not forget to lock the doors on the moonless nights.

The Kiss

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am getting married in two weeks to my boyfriend Elwood. I have been planning this wedding for two years. I had to quit job as a teller at the bank three months ago because the wedding was taking up so much of my time, and you wouldn't believe how expensive everything is, although I am saving almost five-hundred dollars on flowers by buying a vacant lot and planting a flower garden in it.

Anyway, I thought I had everything under control until my aunt Gerta asked me, "Now honey, what are you doing about the kiss?"

The kiss? I thought at least we had that covered. I mean, Elwood and I have been kissing regularly now for almost three years. Is there some kind of special wedding kiss we're supposed to know about? Is it supposed to be open-mouth? Closed mouth? Wet? Dry? What do you advise?

Sincerely,

Frazzled Bride

Chere Mlle. Bride,

Bien sur, the wedding kiss, it is being the exceedingly important business. You will be in front of the crowd of people all watching closely and judging your performance on the basis of the style, the creativity and the conviction. Everybody is noticing the slightest awkwardness and shaking the heads with the disapproval.

Fortunately, this is being the very little matter to overcome. First, it is mostly not mattering what kind of the kiss you are selecting. The chaste peck, it is tasteful and elegant, and it is not offending even the most prudish of the old grannies. This was being very popular when everybody was liking to pretend that everybody was very romantic and virginal and that the babies were mostly being left by the fairies under the cabbage leaves like the snails.

The slow, soft romantic kiss is being very popular now that generally everybody is supposing that even if you were not having the sex before, you are almost certainly doing it now that you are married to each other.

Whatever kiss you are selecting, the important thing is that you and M. Elwood are selecting the same one. You are not wanting to be going for the discreet peck while M. Elwood, he is coming for you with the tongue dangling.

Also, the practice, she is very important. You are not wanting to risk M. Elwood becoming nervous and forgetting which kiss he is supposed to be performing. If you are practicing before the ceremony, you can be smacking him very firmly on the head every time he is doing it wrong until he is thoroughly conditioned.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Bride, and remember: the only kiss which is entirely inappropriate is involving the lustful groping and slobbering. What are you thinking? There are the children watching you.

Under Pressure

Dear madame tourjrs

I think my wife may be over-sexed. I guess that isn't fashionable, or politically-correct or something, and some people will say I'm just a tool of the oppressive patriarchy that hates women and tries to dominate them through their sexuality, but I'm getting really desperate. She wants it twice a week, and I'm just not up to the job. Once a month would be fine with me, and the rest of the time we could just cuddle. It's not that she isn't gorgeous and sexy, and I like, you know, being with her, but gee, I'm busy, and the NBA playoffs were on, and I'm tired in the evenings. I don't dare stay in the house if she's watching a romantic movie, and I get chills when I see her reading one of those novels with the slab-chested guys on the covers.

She hasn't suggested Viagra yet, but those darn commercials on the television make me cringe. It's not like I can't perform. I just don't feel like it. Isn't there some way to cool her jets? I don't think I should be pressured for sex if I'm not in the mood.

Sincerely,

Put Upon

Cher M. Upon,

What for are you not being in the mood? Bien sur, you are having the fatigue and the amusing hobbies, but possibly you should be considering the inconvenience if you are being obliged to find the new wife. The divorce, it is being quite tiresome, and afterward is never being financially the same. Also, there is the time and trouble of finding the new wife and having the frequent sex with her so that she will be wishing to marry you. This is the exhausting work, n'est pas?

Oui, many of the husbands who are in your position, they are considering the subcontractors. This is not usually being the good idea. Generally, Madame is becoming so distracted by the new lover that she is no longer appreciating the old husband, and you are feeling neglected and having the risk that she is deciding to divorce you and marry the new lover. Now you are once again having the inconvenient divorcings.

Since you are wishing to be conserving the energies, I am giving you the handy tips for the efficient performance.

1. Plan ahead. Select the time when the marital duties are not interfering with the interests and amusements.

2. Assemble any props or accouterments you will require such as the astronaut costume or the champagne and flowers.

3. Explore the grand old tradition of the "faking it." Ask yourself, "What would M. James Bond be doing?" or "How am I doing this if I am the ruthless pirate prince?" Then do that even if it is not what you are actually feeling like doing. Naturally, this is making you feel silly. However, nobody is asking you to tell anybody you are a ruthless pirate prince only to give Madame the thrill as if you are him. This is the very simple gesture requiring very little effort and giving the enormous returns. Madame will be excited. She will be quickly satisfied, and will possibly feel so grateful, she will make you the sandwich while you are returning to the sporting events and the personal scratching which are your real interests.

Bon Chance, M. Upon, Soon you will be satisfying Madame on your own terms and with much less inconvenience to yourself than you suppose.

Platonic Friends?

Dear Madame Toujours,

My boyfriend and I are having an ongoing argument that I hope you can help us resolve. Rufus has many female friends who share his interest in aromatherapy and Tibetan chanting. He insists these are platonic friends and he has never had romantic feelings for any of them, but many of these friends are quite reasonably attractive, and I can't believe they really aren't interested in him. He says it is hard to find other men who share his interest in these areas and insists I am being unreasonably jealous.

Am I overreacting or is Rufus being naive to think these women are only interested in his chanting?

Sincerely,

Suspicious Nature

Chere Mlle. Nature,

Quelle domage. Always, it is difficult when you are having the beautiful young man and you are wishing to be locking him away and not sharing him with the greedy females who are wanting to steal him from you. Unfortunately, this is almost never the very good idea. Although M. Rufus may occasionally be liking to pretend he is your slave of love, the game, she is tiring if it is all of the time. In the long run, everybody is happier if you are resigning yourself to the friendships with the other female persons. After all, this is the charm of M. Rufus, that he is enjoying the conversations with the female persons as well as the sex, n'est pas?

Furthermore, although you are naturally regarding M. Rufus to be irresistible, it is being possible that the other female persons are not noticing this. Maybe they are finding him too short, or too blond, or too interested in their brains. If you are unsure whether this is the case, observe M. Rufus with his female friends. If les femmes are clearly attempting to entice M. Rufus, then you may wish to be very friendly to them while relating many amusing anecdotes about the mysterious disappearances of several women who were flirting with your last boyfriend.

Finally, I am observing that as long as everybody is thinking about the mutual interests, then it is the meeting of the minds, and the bodies, they are mostly going about their own businesses. For example, M. Rufus is saying, "I am meeting with Mlle. Marie, and possibly Mlle. Hortense will come also so that we can try out the new chants and smell the new herbs that Mlle. Marie is bringing. Are you wishing to be joining us?" Clearly, M. Rufus in being more interested in the chanting and the smelling than in the persons of the female persons. On the other hand, the time to be worrying is when M. Rufus is saying, "I am going to have the dinner with Mlle. Lisette because she is the wonderful charming individual." In this case, announce that you will be joining the party.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Suspicious. When you go to the dinner, order the steak. Toy with the steak knife with one hand while resting the other firmly on the thigh of M. Rufus and staring coldly at Mlle. Lisette. Everybody will be getting the point. Especially M. Rufus.

To Wed or Not to Wed

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a single woman, thirty-five, fit and attractive, intelligent, funny, easygoing and comfortably well off. The thing is, I have not met anyone I felt I could really spend my life with, and the dating is getting more and more tiresome. Now instead of callow youths who aren't ready to commit, all the men I meet seem to be wounded divorcees with emotionally traumatized teenage children. I have begun to wonder if it is really worth the time and effort to keep looking for that special guy. Can't a single woman be happy and fulfilled without a man?

Sincerely,

Still Single

Chere Mlle. Single,

Non. What the silly question, I, Europe's foremost matchmaker, am telling you that the life, she is empty without the man. This is not because you are not the perfectly sensible person all by yourself. Always, I am telling the women they should be having the interesting career or the hobby or at least making very much of the money because they cannot be expecting the man to be satisfying all of the emotional needs, but this is not meaning that you are not needing the man at all.

The man, he is satisfying the many important needs. For example, when you are having the man for your life, you are finding that you have never been closer to your mother. Now instead of calling her on the telephone to tell her that your childhood was hateful and she has ruined your life, you can be asking her advice concerning what you should do when M. le Husband, he is wearing the favorite baseball cap and watching the silly, noisy sports games in his underwear while eating cheese puffs and wiping the fingers on the couch. She is not knowing the answer. Her husband is doing this all of his life and although she is hating it, she is not being able to make him stop. That is why you have married M. le Husband in the first place--he is reminding you of your Pere. However, by the time you are finishing to talk about all of the obnoxious things the husbands are doing, the annoying sports programs are over and you can be watching the sensitive, family drama.

Also, the husbands, they are being exceedingly useful when you are having the cold feet in the bed at night. The most successful method to warm the feet is to be waiting until M. le Husband is being just on the edge of the sleep. Then quickly tuck the feet that are like the icy blocks of frozen meat into the backs of the knees where he is very warm. If you are doing this very often, then possibly M. le Husband is developing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is finding himself to be unable to sleep. This is good because then he is being unable to snore, so in addition to having the warm feet, you are sleeping very restfully.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Single, and hurry to find for yourself the husband.

Family Obligations

Dear Madame Toujours,

In a few weeks, I will be attending the wedding of my niece. While chatting with my sister (the mother of the bride), I realized we had a problem with the wedding. When my sisters and I got married, our four brothers took our grooms aside at the receptions and threatened to kill them if they ever mistreated us.

As I spoke to my sister, it occurred to me that my niece's only brother is a prancing homosexual--a lovely boy, but I just don't think he can pull off the ritual threatening of the groom. To whom does the responsibility fall in this case? To the uncles? My brothers certainly have the experience, but they don't know the groom well, so it might be awkward. The same goes for the cousins. I have a son about the groom's age, and my brothers have half a dozen sons between them. I broached the question to my brother in law, but he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I reminded him of how my brothers had offered to feed him his own tongue if he ever cheated on my sister. He turned kind of pale and green and pretended he didn't know what I was talking about--which is something my brother Hernesto will be looking into, believe me, but that's another story.

In the meantime, what should we do? Should my sister and I be responsible for threatening the groom, or will we have to forgo the tradition?

Sincerely,

The Bride's Auntie

Chere Mme. Auntie,

Oui, the wedding etiquettes, they are tres difficile, n'est pas? However, the solution, she is tres simple. First, the female types should not be attempting to perform the masculine duties. When the male relatives, they are threatening the accouterments of the groom, everybody is being very jocular and manly, and everybody is understanding everybody else, and they are being very open and straightforward and comfortable. The groom, he is understanding the boundaries.

The females, on the other hands, they are not having the jocular familiarity. When they are threatening the manhoods, the groom, he is staying awake nights imagining the mother in law sneaking up on him from behind, and then he is unable to perform the manly duties in the bedroom and nobody is getting any grandchildren.

I am sure if you mention the matter to M. Hernesto, he will arrange for the tasteful bachelor party, and when everybody is liquored up and feeling extremely pleased with one another, all of the uncles and the cousins and even M. the homosexual type brother will be taking the groom aside and explaining to him the consequences of the misbehaviors.

Bon Chance, Mme. Auntie. As regards the little matter of the brother-in-law, perhaps you may be consulting your sister before you are approaching M. Hernesto about the indiscretions. It may be that the cripplingly expensive jewelry or automobile is being better appreciated by the wife than the actual physical violences against the husband.

Taxtime

Dear Madam to shore,

I am a professional "male companion." Now that tax time has come around again, I find I am in the usual quandary as to how to list my profession on my tax forms. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Professional Guy

Cher M. Guy,

First, you must be determining whether you are the paid employee or the independent contractor. This, it is being not so difficult. If Madame, she is giving you the form W-2, then it is that you are the employee and you are filling out the form 1040. If, Madame is not giving you the W-2, and she is not withholding for you the federal taxes, then it is that you are filling out the schedule C. with the form SE. Tres simple, non?

Here it is where everything, it is being the little bit complicated. Many of the self-employed persons in the profession such as yours are wishing to have the discretion. When they are being asked what is the profession, they are liking to say, "housekeeper", or "landscape architect" or "masseuse". This is being no good. If you are the landscape architect, or the housekeeper, then you can only be deducting from the taxes the expenses which are having to do with the landscape architecture and the housekeeping. Soon, we will be discussing the deductions in the greater detail, but for now, you are simply being honest and straightforward and saying, "I am the professional male companion.

I will explain for you now what are some of the important things to be remembering when you are reporting for yourself the income. Many of the professional companions are finding themselves to be audited because they are forgetting that all of the little gifts from Madame, they are considered to be the income. This means that if Madame, she is putting the condo in Acapulco into your name, then you must be reporting this as the income for your taxes. Keep this in mind when Madame, she is giving you the very expensive gifts. Sometimes is being better to say, "but non, it is enough that I am having your love." Now you are not having the nuisance for the income tax, Madame, she is flattered, and you are still having the use of the condominium with Madame. Everybody is winning, non?

You are seeing that if you are the very skilled professional, then you are having very much of the income to report. You will wish to be offsetting some of the income with the itemized deductions. Many persons are being alarmed, thinking that the itemized deductions, they are the big difficult thing. But non. Simply list the expenditures which are applying to the professional business. Now you are seeing why it is being important that you are reporting the actual business. If you are the housekeeper or the masseuse, then you can only be deducting the expensive vacuum cleaners and the massaging tables. If you are listing the leopard print undergarments and the suggestive lingerie, then this is being considered only the hobby, and the Internal Revenue persons will suppose that you are the big fruit. As long as you are reporting the actual employment, then everybody is understanding that this is being the legitimate business expense.

Bon Chance, M. Guy and remember to file early. There is being no excuse for the lateness.

TechnoGirl

Dear Madame Toujours,

Last night, I asked my boyfriend Kyle to install my new network card and set up my email and Web browser. Kyle said he didn't have time and told me about his friend Tim's girlfiend Nina who just installed a new motherboard and CPU in her PC. He was very excited. I think I saw beads of sweat on his upper lip.

Madame Toujours, I have to draw the line somewhere. I can change the oil in my car and program the VCR, but a man has to be good for something. If it weren't for Kyle, I wouldn't even have this dumb PC. I was going to go for one of those pretty colored Macs, but Kyle thought we should both have PCs so he could help me maintain mine.

Plus, it's nice to feel I can depend on Kyle. Doesn't this Nina person realize girls like her are raising the bar for the rest of us? Is it fair for Kyle to make me feel inadequate because I can't build a computer from scratch? Do I have to be a techno-nerd just to keep my man? Where will it all end?

Sincerely,

Trying to Keep up with Nina

Chere Mlle. Trying,

Quelle domage. The new liberation for the women, it is sometimes tres difficile, n'est pas? Bien sur it is being all very well if you are building solar powered Mars orbiters out of the common kitchen utensils, but while this is very satisfying, it is not perhaps so much the big romance.

Possibly, you are thinking that the solution for the problem is to be hiring the large, Eastern European woman to break for Mlle Nina the knees. Please be calling off the hit. This is not the creative solution.

If I am understanding correctly what is for you the problem, this is not so much the question of the recombobulation of the technical thingies which you can be learning to do for yourself anyway. No, for you, this is the issue of the security.

You are wishing to know that M. Kyle, he is loving you for your bosoms and your sense of the humor not for the silly technical things that are becoming obsolete every six months so that you are always having to learn them all over again.

What you are forgetting is that someday, your bosoms, they will be obsolete, and he will grow used to your sense of humor, but the technical expertise, it is always new and exciting.

Here is what you must do. Advertise in the newspapers that you are wishing to assemble the technological support group for the female persons. Take turns meeting at the homes of the members. Make the schedule to decide who is bringing the refreshments such as scones and eclairs. Serve international coffees. Meet for lunch at the cafes chic. Some members may wish to bring their quilting or their needlepoint.

Possibly you are wondering how all of this is helping you with the technological things. Do not be silly. You were not really wanting to talk about the technological things anyway.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Trying, and perhaps you can be asking Mlle. Nina to help you to install the computer doohickies.

Teptation

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am concerned about the teenage son of my neighbor Meg. Young Jeffey is only sixteen. As you know, this is a very vulnerable age when young men are easily tempted to lust, and boys who are constantly bombarded by sexual sights may turn to drugs ...or worse, self-abuse. I'm sure Jeffey is a very nice boy, but I am worried because my neighbor has just hired a young woman to clean her house twice a week. I just happened to be looking out the window when this young person arrived, and I noticed she was wearing those legging things that don't hide a thing and a very skimpy shirt.

I mentioned to Meg that she ought to say something to the young woman about her attire, but Meg just said she was covered from her neck to her ankles and was a good housekeeper.

Madame Toujours, I'm sure this young woman just doesn't realize she is tempting young men to lust. Is there some polite way to take her aside and tell her to change the way she dresses? I don't like to stick my nose into other people's business, but someone has to think of the children!

Sincerely,

Concerned Citizen

Chere Mme. Citizen,

Bien sur, everybody must always be considering the children, but also it is important that everybody is considering the comfort of the domestic help. The children, they are everywhere, but the good help, she is hard to find, n'est pas?

Possibly you are thinking that the young person, she is wearing the stretchy knit clothings because she is the slut who is liking to expose for herself the figure. But you are not considering that perhaps she is not being the exhibitionist. Perhaps she is only liking to have the comfort.

Eh bien, moi, I am being too old to be wearing the cotton/lycra blends, but often, I am looking with envy at the young persons who are bending and flexing with the freedom and the comfort. There is not the binding, the chaffing. How nice to lunge and pirouette, to flit about upon the toes. The drudgery of the housework, it is almost the dance, non?

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "What is the comfort when it is the lusts and the sinnings that are tempting the young boys? It is being up to les femmes to be keeping the young men pure in the thoughts."

Bah. Everybody is always worrying that les femmes, they are going about and tempting the young boys. This is the big sillyness. The young boys, they are not needing anybody to be tempting them. They are being perfectly capable of tempting themselves. Myself, I am thinking it is better that les hommes are having plenty of the opportunities to be tempted by les femmes. At least now they are knowing what it is they are lusting about. If they are not noticing les femmes then possibly they are becoming confused and thinking that they are lusting about les sheep or les household appliances.

Bon Chance, Mme. Citizen, and I am highly recommending for you to try the flexible clothings. At least for the housework. After all, what you are wearing in the privacy of your own home, it is only for you to know.

Feminism

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am very hurt by the anti-feminist attitudes of all my friends. They have always gone on and on about women supporting each other and sticking up for each other and standing up to oppression. Then, out of the blue, they have all turned against me.

It started with Beverly telling Lacey about the night I got Lacey's husband drunk and seduced him. Suddenly, Lacey isn't speaking to me anymore. Then Lacey's husband told her Anne's husband told him about my six-month affair with him--which is just the kind of abuse and harassment I would expect from a man, but then can you believe Lacey actually told Anne, and the two of them told everyone else? I trusted these women and now half the women in the group won't talk to me anymore.

Please say a word about the importance of women sticking together.

Sincerely,

Disappointed Feminist

Chere Mlle. Disappointed,

Possibly, you are experiencing the very common confusion about the feminisms. Once upon the time long, long ago, the feminism was being about the equal rights with the voting and the careers. However, ever since the female American persons were learning to vote and to have the amusing careers, they have been looking for new reasons to be resentful and dissatisfied.

At first, they were feeling resentful about the actual injustice such as having less money and not enough birth-control and not being encouraged to learn math. Soon, however, the feminist persons were realizing that they were not really feeling very oppressed about these issues, and they began to be afraid they would have to become self-actualized.

Fortunately, somebody--possibly Betty Freidan--discovered they could avoid becoming self-actualized by blaming men for everything. Everybody agreed this was a very good idea. Soon everybody was blaming the masculine persons for everything from the wars to the athlete's feet.

Now, clearly, you are thinking of the new kind of feminism in which, if the female persons are wishing to be extremely selfish and indifferent to other people, they can be saying, "But why should I not have the sex with your husband? After all, I am the feminist," or, "How are you daring to ask me to be calling you on the telephone if I am going to be three hours late for dinner? You are the big, hairy abuser," or possibly, "I will use your sperm to get a baby and then I will take it away and force you to give me all your money so that I am not needing to have the useful work and became self-actualized."

This is not even having to be fair. Fairness is being based on the logic, and logic is masculine, and everything masculine is evil. Now it is being a virtue to be completely irrational and insensitive and to demand that everybody is doing everything that you are wanting.

Bon chance, Mlle. Disappointed, clearly your friends are having the petty and unreasonable attachment to the other kind of feminism in which nobody is betraying anybody and stealing their husbands.

The Big Dripper

Dear Madame Toujours,

My wife and I have been having an argument ever since we were married ten years ago. The subject is a little personal and embarrassing, so bear with me. The thing is, Bev complains that I … er … frequently miss. In the, you know, bathroom. First of all, I categorically deny that this is the case. Bev points to some yellowish stains, but that could be anything. Maybe the dog drools when he finishes drinking out of the bowl; I don't know, but it isn't me. Now Bev is threatening that the next time she sees a stain, she will make me clean it up, and the next time she steps in the evidence, she will make me clean the entire bathroom. She says if it still continues, she will make me sit down when I … you know.

There is only so much a man can take. Bev is robbing me of my masculinity, and if she keeps it up, I am going to have to walk.

Sincerely,

The Big Dripper

Cher M. Dripper,

C'est vrais, the masculinity, he is in the crisis. However, this is not the fault of Mme. Bev. Stop with the silly excuses about the dog and the threatenings to run away from the marriage and face for yourself the problem. The unfortunate drippings and sprinklings, they are the signs of the lack of control, of finesse and discipline. This is not the big manliness unless you are trying to mark for yourself the territory. Mostly, the wives, they are not liking this because they prefer to be marking the territories by cleaning them, and she knows that you are knowing perfectly well that the bathroom, it is her territory and you are having no business to be marking it.

What you must be doing is to take charge of the masculinity. Every man can be learning the dexterity if he is having the little practice. The next time you are feeling the pressure to answer Madame le Nature, simply go outside and practice with writing the name in the snow.

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "I am living in the temperate climate. Does this mean that I am doomed to the unmanly staining of the porcelain?"

Not at all. Many of the men are preferring to arrange the convenient sandbox outside the home. The most important consideration is that it is large enough for the early, unskilled efforts. In the emergency, the paved driveway or even the street outside the home is making the excellent surface for the practice. The only drawback is the dripping which is sometimes spoiling the effect.

When you are becoming very proficient with the writing of the name, you can expand the efforts to the simple images. With practice, you may even be graduating to the imitations of the great masters.

Bon Chance, M. Dripper. I am recommending that you are not attempting the fancy tricks such as, "Regardez, Maman, no hands," until you are becoming extremely proficient.

Am I Too Nice?

Dear Madame Toujours,

All my life I have been told by my mother, my Sunday school teachers, and my Barbie dolls that nobody will love me unless I am nice. There's that whole "forgive your enemies" thing to start with. Then there's that stuff about sugar and spice. And then just in case I didn't get the point, along comes herpes. Suddenly, it isn't even safe to get wild and reckless on Friday nights.

So I have gone through thirty years of being nice, and so far as I can see, it has netted me exactly nothing. Guys dump me after a couple weeks of walking all over me. I haven't had a raise at work in ten years even though I'm always the one offering to do the little extras that keep the office running.

I look around and see plenty of women who are outright tin-plated bitches, and even though they are horrible people that I wouldn't allow in my rowboat if this were the biblical flood, they seem to get everything they want in life (actually, I would let them in my rowboat even though I would be miserable about it the whole time because, doggone it, I am nice).

Look, I'm not in it for the rewards. I don't expect to get rewards for being nice. I know that's not the point, but can't I be nice without feeling like a marshmallow?

Sincerely,

Too Nice

Chere Mlle. Nice,

Oui, you are noticing the important truth about la chienne. The bitch, she is having the forcefulness to be insisting to get what she is wanting, and everybody else, they can be going to the dogs for all she is caring about.

Unfortunately, as you are noticing, this is the very distasteful person. This is the person who is always lording herself over the persons who are weaker and taking the advantages of them. Eh bien, she is always making everybody miserable, and complaining about how she is never getting what she is deserving. Usually, she is supposing that she is deserving to be admired and respected and to have many nice things.

However, you are not being doomed to crawl around like the cringing lapdog for the rest of the life. The goal for you, it is to transcend both the nice girl and the bitch and become La Chienne Superieure. The alpha bitch, she is the strong one. She is the one who is guiding everybody and teaching the little puppies and defending them from the bears and the tigers. She is not the selfish one who is only wanting to be admired and feared and to have all of the tasty rabbits and field mice to eat. She is ferocious for the benefits of the pack.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Nice. I am thinking you will find that when it is not for yourself but for the helpless ones who are not protecting themselves, you will be finding that the inner Chienne Superieure, she is waiting just under the skin.

Bossy Boyfriend

Dear Madame Toujours,

My legs were paralyzed in a car accident when I was a child, and I never thought I would ever meet a man who could love me. Then I met Neil, and it was like a miracle. We fell in love and moved in together. Neil always knows how everything should be done. It makes me feel safe to know my life is such good hands. I had no idea there were so many things I was doing wrong!

The problem is my best friend since second grade, LeighAnn. She lives in the same apartment building as Neil and me, and Neil has been really great about helping and supporting her.

If LeighAnn would just take Neil's advice, they would get along fine, but she is too stuborn. She insists on going to her book club sweeping her floor from left to right, doing her shopping in the morning and leaving her dinner dishes to wash after breakfast.

Neil is just trying to help, but LeighAnn won't speak to him any more, so he had to start calling her family and her boss at work whenever she does something the wrong way. He had to call so often, LeighAnn's boss has threatened to fire her if she doesn't make Neil stop. I told her Neil would stop if she would just do things the way says. LeighAnn said she can't see me anymore unless I break up with Neil.

I don't think this is fair. If she really cared about me, she would try to get along with Neil. Neil says LeighAnn and I were never really friends, so I guess I was wrong to think we were.

Sincerely,

Torn

Chere Mlle. Torn,

Clearly you are forgetting the very important rule about never having the romance for the persons that your friends are not liking.

Eh bien, if you are wishing to be keeping the friends, you must learn to be keeping M. Neil too busy to be annoying them. This is being very simple. You must be making the big point to never do anything the way M. Neil is telling you. There is no point to be trying to do everything the way M. Neil is telling you anyway. Every time you are learning to do everything the way he is liking, he is saying you are stupid to be doing it that way and you should be doing it differently.

Possibly this not providing enough of the entertainments to keep M. Neil completely away from the friends. In this case, you should pretend to be more helpless and inadequate than he already thinks you are. You are knowing you are successful when M. Neil is making the exasperated sound and insisting that if you are not being able to brush for yourself the teeth, he will have to be doing it for you.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Torn. In the little time, M. Neil will be too happy controlling everything about your life to be annoying for you the friends.

Be the Pack Leader

Dear Madame Toujours,

I hope you can help me with a problem in my marriage. I have been married to Freddie for twelve years. The trouble is that when we first met, our relationship was predicated on the assumption that I was a flake and Freddie was the competent one. He could point out my faults and mistakes and make little jokes about my inadequacies, and I didn't mind because I knew he loved me in spite of these things.

We got along fine until I fell in love with a teeny little dustmop of a puppy I saw in a cardboard box outside a pet store. Freddie gently told me that I was too forgetful and disorganized to take care of a puppy. I was too in love with little Pippi to let her go, so I set out to learn everything I could find about raising a puppy.

In the process, I learned about being the pack leader and about having calm, assertive energy so that little Pippi would feel secure and confident.

As I practiced being calm and assertive, I got promoted to manager of the homeless shelter where I worked. I also made several good friends at the dog park and the puppy obedience classes, and I started to feel that Freddie wasn't always right when he pointed out my mistakes. I started calmly and assertively telling Freddy that I am a competent person, and I want to be treated with respect. Freddy is becoming more and more frustrated with this--accusing me of being a know-it-all and thinking I am queen of the world.

Can I somehow salvage my marriage without turning back into a doormat?

Sincerely,

Alpha Bitch

Chere Mme. Alpha,

Oui, this is being tres difficile for M. Freddy. Unfortunately, unlike the sensible persons such as Mlle. Pippi, M. Freddy is having the slow time to learn the new habits.

Many of the modern psychological persons will be telling you to have the honest, open conversations about the feelings. This is the big nonsense. This is only the opportunity for M. Freddy to tell you honestly and openly the many ways that you are inadequate. This is being very tedious and tiresome for you.

The only way to be putting M. Freddy firmly in his proper place is to be crushing him firmly beneath the heels. Explain to him that he is the pitiful, crawling worm who is not worthy to lick for you the toes. Then graciously permit him to lick the toes.

Possibly, you are thinking this is unnecessarily harsh. Non. M. Freddy, he is the fellow who is needing to feel that there is the very strong leadership. He is being only free to treat you as the competent person if he is having the confidence that you are the remorseless dictator who is permitting no arguments.

Bon Chance, Mme. Alpha, and be careful if it is necessary to be the despot, that you are at least the very benevolent one.

Putting the Pressure On

Dear Madame Toujours,

You've got to help me. I'm so tired of the pressure. I'm a man in my mid-forties, been married to my wife Beth for fifteen years. When I was young, I was pretty much an insatiable sexual beast, but in the last few years, I've lost that feeling, and I have to say it's a relief.

The problem is my wife Beth. Lately she's been insatiable. She's been pressuring me to do something about my ...er... energy level. At first it was just nagging, then she started spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and makeup. I told her she didn't need all that to be beautiful to me, but she didn't seem very pleased. Now she's gone completely bonkers. She's totally redecorating the house which would be fine except we may go bankrupt, and she's turning the house into a fifteenth-century pirate ship--tearing out all the windows and replacing them with portholes etc. She's even bought an old cannon and put it in the living-room. Is this menopause? Should she be taking hormone replacement? What can I do to save my house?

Sincerely,

Under Pressure

Cher M. Pressure,

Now you are seeing the consequence of being the neglectful husband. Mme. Beth, she is the vital, creative woman in the prime of her life who is craving the passion and the excitement. If she is not having it with the husband, then she is having what the freudian psychological persons are calling the sublimations. This is where she is expressing all the creative energies with the arts and the crafts.

Now possibly you are remembering when you were the child and you were begging the Maman and Papa for the puppy, and they were telling you that if you were having the puppy, you were responsible for taking care of it. If you were the responsible child, you were having the faithful, devoted companion who was adoring you beyond sense and reason. If you were the careless child, your mother was having the faithful, devoted companion and so forth.

What you are now deciding is whether you are wishing to be the responsible husband or the careless type. If you are the responsible husband, this is being very easy. Dress yourself as M. Captain Jack Swallow, saunter aboard your ship and accost Mme. Beth with lustful passions. Oui, this is the tiresome chore--much like walking the energetic, little puppy.

Possibly you are thinking it is being easier to be the careless husband. Eh bien, simply hire for the wife the young, attractive carpenter with the loose morals and the many manly hormones. If Mme. is having the sexual frustrations, she will be succumbing to his advances before she is knowing what she is doing. Now Mme. Beth is having the expression for the creative passions, and you are enjoying the peaceful evenings alone with the television.

Bon Chance, M. Pressure, and you may wish to be sure that M. Le handsome, young Carpenter is having all his shots. Now this is like the responsibility for having two puppies. The work, she is never ending, n'est pas?

Casting Your Vote

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am really struggling with my choice for the democratic candidate for president, and I think you are probably the only possible person who could help me with my choice.

Here's my difficulty: Barak Obama is a charming, personable man with many fine qualities, and I agree with many of his positions, and he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The thing is, I really believe our country needs a strong man to lead us out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into, and I just can't help feeling that Hillary is that man. I mean, she's got a plan, she's organized, she's tough and compassionate, she's a staunch Methodist, and she's got loads of experience.

On the other hand, she's also got Bill. I mean, he's a charming man, but do we really want him roaming around the country getting up to who knows what mischief? I mean some of things he's been saying on the TV! Poor Hillary. Still, can't she keep him on a leash, and if she can't manage her husband, can she really manage an entire country?

And by the way, what is this business where people call her "Hillary?" When her husband was campaigning, everybody referred to him as "Clinton." Is this some kind of discrimination? Are people not taking her seriously because she's a woman? Does this mean she is weak? And how long before we can elect Chelsea--I mean Ms. Clinton Jr.?

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Chere Mme. Perplexed,

Oui, c'est tres difficile the important decisions for the running of the country. Who to be voting for, what to be voting for, whether the husband of Mme. President is an ornament to the nation.

Moi, I cannot be making for you the important personal political decisions, but possibly, I can be helping for you to clarify the crucial issues.

Bien sur, the sensible females are always being attracted to the gentle fellows with the warmth and the compassions. You can be marrying him with the impugnities. Possibly, he is the excellent candidate to be the warm and compassionate husband for the nation.

However, possibly, you are having the correctness to be wishing for the strong female type who is whipping the nation into shape. Naturally, you are looking at the husband for the example of the competence of the wife.

However, I am suggesting that you are glancing across the living room at the husband who is sitting in the La-z-boy with the "Cheetos" crumbs on the facial whiskers and the beer propped on the belly. Now look at the husband of Mme. Clinton. Suddenly, Mme. Clinton, she is looking very competent, n'est pas? Nobody is controlling the husband. He is mostly the undomesticated animal who is making you proud if he is not scratching himself lewdly in the public venues.

Bon Chance, Mme. Perplexed, and as for the question of the correct address for Mme. Clinton, yes, it is the cultural practice to be addressing the female types very often by the given names. This is the expression of the charm and warmth, and nobody is much caring as long as they are addressing her as Madame PRESIDENT Hillary.

Bossed Around

Dear Madame Toujours,

I have been married to my husband Royce for fifteen years. For seven of those, he has been the handsome, charismatic CEO of a high-powered international marketing company. All day long, he jets from one end of the Earth to the other having people fetch and carry for him and call him "Sir" and "Boss". He's gone for weeks at a time. Then he comes home and he seems to think he's still at work.

He acts like he's completely helpless, like he never learned how to fix a garbage disposal or carry out a bag of garbage, like he thinks he ought to be able to snap his fingers and have half a dozen lackeys appear out of nowhere to help his kids with their homework. He barks orders like the kids and I are his personal staff. It's exhausting, and irritating, and I'd like to smack him upside his fat head.

I've tried to talk to him with all that "I-statement" therapy-talk crapadoodle, but he claims he just doesn't have the least idea what I'm talking about. I'd have divorced him (or whacked him senseless with a blunt object) years ago, but he does a lot of very important work, and I've got this irrational attachment to the big jerk. Plus, the kids would miss him.

Is there some way to get through to him so that I can enjoy my husband and the kids can get to know their father?

Sincerely,

Tired of Being Bossed Around

Chere Mme. Bossed,

Quelle domage that M. le Boss, he is having the tiresome habits. However, I am always observing that the compromise, it is being the very important tool of the marriages. Clearly, M. le Boss, he is feeling much more of the comforts when he is the familiar environment of the successful business. Fortunately, M. le Boss is not being at home all of the times. It should not be the terrible burden to be making the small adjustments.

Purchase for yourself and the children the useful businesslike accouterments. If the children are of a suitable age, they will wish to have the "blackberry" thingies that everybody is using for the businesses. Learn to employ the fancy, modern terminologies such as, "Here, now I am textilating to you about the conference with the CEO of the children's educational work-group because little Jeffy is possibly being downsized from his position in the fourth-grade." Suggest that some personal mentoring from the boss would improve the productivity of M. Jeffy.

Learn to carry a clipboard and a notebook. Pretend to take notes of everything he says. The next day, you can read back the "minutes" of the meeting. Tell him he has on his schedule for five-thirty an important meeting at the curb with the "Head trash receptacle."

Offer to sleep your way to the top. The power, she is the aphrodisiac, non?

Bon chance, Mme. Tired, and if M. le Boss, he is making the life more complicated, you can be insisting that he provide you with an "executive assistant" to "facilitize" your "management strategy."

Home Decorating

Dear Madame Toujours,

I need to consult with you on a matter of interior decorating. My daughter Elsbeth is a brilliant, beautiful, woman, a model of efficiency, gentle and generous and generally delightful. She and her husband Corin recently decided to remodel their house and my friend Ginny recommended a contractor.

About a month into the remodel, Ginny called me in a tizzy to report that Alvin the contractor had called her and told her that he couldn't work with Elsbeth and she was going over budget on the remodel and would go bankrupt and he, Alvin, was afraid Elsbeth wouldn't be able to pay him.

I, of course, told Ginny it was nonsense and forgot all about it. Soon after, I got a call from Alvin. He told me I had to do something about Elsbeth because she was completely out of control. I told him he should talk to Elsbeth about it, but he said he couldn't talk to her. She wouldn't listen to him, and the house was turning into a disaster. I told him I was sure he was exaggerating, but I would talk to Elsbeth and see what was going on.

When I went to Elsbeth's house to see the remodel--which was charming, by the way--Elsbeth was livid. The moment I arrived, she lit into me, telling me I had no right to talk about her behind her back and spread rumors about her. She actually cried. She said she couldn't believe I would betray her that way. Bewildered, I asked her what she was talking about. She told me not to lie to her: Alvin had told her everything I had been telling him behind her back.

Now Elsbeth isn't speaking to me or to Ginny who, it seems, has been tarred with the same brush although Alvin still calls her and tells her everything that Elsbeth is doing wrong, and since Elsbeth is angry at her, Ginny has started to believe these things, and I can't convince her Alvin is the one really causing trouble.

My question for you is: When you have hunted your contractor through the city streets, torn him to pieces like the maenads of Greek mythology and hung his testicles by your front door as a tasteful bell-pull, how do you deal with the problem of odor and decay?

Sincerely,

Vengeful Mom

Chere Mme. Vengeful,

You are observing the very unfortunate issue that is troubling the beleaguered homeowners throughout the centuries. In the old days, when the contractor persons were behaving in the excessively difficult fashion, the homeowners were tastefully mounting the heads on the pikes in the front of the castle. M. Vlad the Impaller had the terrible troubles with the general contracting type persons. Eventually, however, the carcasses and so forth were decaying and causing the hazards to the public health.

Bon Chance Mme. Vengeful, and fortunately, the modern technologies are presenting the solutions. The trophies removed from the undesirable persons can be inexpensively and conveniently bronzed before being hung proudly beside the front door.