Home Decorating

Dear Madame Toujours,

I need to consult with you on a matter of interior decorating. My daughter Elsbeth is a brilliant, beautiful, woman, a model of efficiency, gentle and generous and generally delightful. She and her husband Corin recently decided to remodel their house and my friend Ginny recommended a contractor.

About a month into the remodel, Ginny called me in a tizzy to report that Alvin the contractor had called her and told her that he couldn't work with Elsbeth and she was going over budget on the remodel and would go bankrupt and he, Alvin, was afraid Elsbeth wouldn't be able to pay him.

I, of course, told Ginny it was nonsense and forgot all about it. Soon after, I got a call from Alvin. He told me I had to do something about Elsbeth because she was completely out of control. I told him he should talk to Elsbeth about it, but he said he couldn't talk to her. She wouldn't listen to him, and the house was turning into a disaster. I told him I was sure he was exaggerating, but I would talk to Elsbeth and see what was going on.

When I went to Elsbeth's house to see the remodel--which was charming, by the way--Elsbeth was livid. The moment I arrived, she lit into me, telling me I had no right to talk about her behind her back and spread rumors about her. She actually cried. She said she couldn't believe I would betray her that way. Bewildered, I asked her what she was talking about. She told me not to lie to her: Alvin had told her everything I had been telling him behind her back.

Now Elsbeth isn't speaking to me or to Ginny who, it seems, has been tarred with the same brush although Alvin still calls her and tells her everything that Elsbeth is doing wrong, and since Elsbeth is angry at her, Ginny has started to believe these things, and I can't convince her Alvin is the one really causing trouble.

My question for you is: When you have hunted your contractor through the city streets, torn him to pieces like the maenads of Greek mythology and hung his testicles by your front door as a tasteful bell-pull, how do you deal with the problem of odor and decay?

Sincerely,

Vengeful Mom

Chere Mme. Vengeful,

You are observing the very unfortunate issue that is troubling the beleaguered homeowners throughout the centuries. In the old days, when the contractor persons were behaving in the excessively difficult fashion, the homeowners were tastefully mounting the heads on the pikes in the front of the castle. M. Vlad the Impaller had the terrible troubles with the general contracting type persons. Eventually, however, the carcasses and so forth were decaying and causing the hazards to the public health.

Bon Chance Mme. Vengeful, and fortunately, the modern technologies are presenting the solutions. The trophies removed from the undesirable persons can be inexpensively and conveniently bronzed before being hung proudly beside the front door.