Dear Madame Toujours,

I am concerned. Recently my lover of five years has started calling me "Stubby. I do not think of this as a term of endearment. I told him as much, and he hit me on the shoulder in a friendly and jocular way. Obviously, the thrill is gone, but I care about the big galoot and I want to renew our passion. What can I do?

Sincerely,
"Stubby"

Chere Mlle. Stubby,

Very wisely you are turning to me before it is too late. Eh bien, if your lover has begun to call you, for example, Blobby or Pudgy, then I would be compelled to advise that you crush him publicly in a most painful fashion, and get for yourself the new lover.
"Stubby, however, this is not so bad. Vraiment, you are moving into a new phase of your relationship. Ce n’est pas le disastre. What you must do now is cling like the limpet to the old phase wherein he was addressing you as his "Little Love Blossom or at least "Fire of my Passion. If he was never calling you "Love Blossom" or "Fire of my Passion", crush him publicly and get yourself the new lover.

But non, you are wishing to keep your galoot. Tres bien. You see, he comes now to think that he is the only one for you, that you will not leave him, that he can impugn your height with the impunity. C’est tres maleheur. I will tell you what to do:

1. Wear the red or the black dress.
2. Go out in the evening without him.
3. Come back.
4. Be imprecise about your activities. For example, "Where have I been? Oh, with friends, or "What have I been doing? oh, not much."
5. Repeat steps one through four two or three times a month until your lover ceases to call you by the unflattering nicknames, then reduce to once a month.

I give you one word of warning. I do not tell you to have the affair: you wish to inflame your lover not (in this case) to crush him. Also, you will wish to have the proof of your innocence in case he is too much inflamed and accuses you of the unfaithfulness. You then present for him the assorted theater tickets, receipts and friendly witness who will say that they saw you to resist the advances of the many eager paramours. Handle this properly, and your lover will feel guilty and be very attentive to you for a month or so.

Bon chance, Mlle. Stubby and as we say in France, Vive L'amour