The Big Dripper

Dear Madame Toujours,

My wife and I have been having an argument ever since we were married ten years ago. The subject is a little personal and embarrassing, so bear with me. The thing is, Bev complains that I … er … frequently miss. In the, you know, bathroom. First of all, I categorically deny that this is the case. Bev points to some yellowish stains, but that could be anything. Maybe the dog drools when he finishes drinking out of the bowl; I don't know, but it isn't me. Now Bev is threatening that the next time she sees a stain, she will make me clean it up, and the next time she steps in the evidence, she will make me clean the entire bathroom. She says if it still continues, she will make me sit down when I … you know.

There is only so much a man can take. Bev is robbing me of my masculinity, and if she keeps it up, I am going to have to walk.

Sincerely,

The Big Dripper

Cher M. Dripper,

C'est vrais, the masculinity, he is in the crisis. However, this is not the fault of Mme. Bev. Stop with the silly excuses about the dog and the threatenings to run away from the marriage and face for yourself the problem. The unfortunate drippings and sprinklings, they are the signs of the lack of control, of finesse and discipline. This is not the big manliness unless you are trying to mark for yourself the territory. Mostly, the wives, they are not liking this because they prefer to be marking the territories by cleaning them, and she knows that you are knowing perfectly well that the bathroom, it is her territory and you are having no business to be marking it.

What you must be doing is to take charge of the masculinity. Every man can be learning the dexterity if he is having the little practice. The next time you are feeling the pressure to answer Madame le Nature, simply go outside and practice with writing the name in the snow.

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "I am living in the temperate climate. Does this mean that I am doomed to the unmanly staining of the porcelain?"

Not at all. Many of the men are preferring to arrange the convenient sandbox outside the home. The most important consideration is that it is large enough for the early, unskilled efforts. In the emergency, the paved driveway or even the street outside the home is making the excellent surface for the practice. The only drawback is the dripping which is sometimes spoiling the effect.

When you are becoming very proficient with the writing of the name, you can expand the efforts to the simple images. With practice, you may even be graduating to the imitations of the great masters.

Bon Chance, M. Dripper. I am recommending that you are not attempting the fancy tricks such as, "Regardez, Maman, no hands," until you are becoming extremely proficient.