Dear Madame Toujours,

How long after having sex should a person wait before swimming?

Sincerely,
Careful

Cher M. ou Madame Careful,

Half the hour. If you are swimming too soon, your lover will be thinking that you are the big jerk. I am recommending that you are swimming first. This is the very good warm-up for preventing the cramps and improving the aerobic fitness.

Dear Madame Toujours,

What is the best way to handle an embarrassing personal bodily noise on a first date?

Sincerely,
Blushing

Cher M. ou Mlle. Blushing,

This is depending on whether you or your date for the evening is making the unfortunate sounds. If you are suspecting that your date is being the culprit, resist the urge to be jumping up in surprise and uttering the startled cry.

If you are being the guilty party, then it is more difficult. Upon emitting the undesirable noises, raise your head, glance suspiciously around at the other persons in the theatre or restaurant, then return your attention to your dinner or your conversation, making very clear with your expression that you are being far above noticing the vulgar noises.

Ah, but what if you are alone with the date and there is being nobody else to accuse? This is not the big emergency. Simply cock your head and demand to know if your date is "hearing that sound." Next, suggest that he or she "have it checked by the professional." As the alternative, you may insist that you are hearing the cry of the North American barking tarantula, the very large and aggressive hunting spider. Insist on going indoors immediately. If the date is still being dubious, suggest calling 911.

Dear Madame Toujours,

When meeting a woman for the first time, I often wonder whether to address her as Mrs. Miss, or Ms., and even when I surreptitiously check her ring finger, I guess wrong more than half the time. Is there some way to figure out which form of address to use before some woman snaps my head off?

Sincerely,
Headless

Cher M. Headless,

Non. There is being absolutely no way to be knowing this unless you are being formally introduced. This is one of the many privileges of being the woman. The woman, she is always knowing the correct address for les hommes, but the men, they can only be guessing for the women.

To make this even more amusing, Mme. ou Mlle. is being perfectly free to be waiting for you to make the best guess, and then no matter what you are guessing, she can be telling you that you are wrong and scorning you because you are being the big, hairy male chauvinist pig.

Bon Chance, Cher Readers, and remember that the etiquette, it is the foundation of the romance.