Dear Madame Toujours,

My husband complains I am no fun when he is drunk. I married him because 95% of the time, he is the sweetest, gentlest most easygoing person I have ever met, but when we go out late with friends, my sensitive guy turns assertive and opinionated, and one of his opinions is that I am a party pooper when I insist on driving home and not dancing naked in public fountains.
I could live with the fact that he turns into an ignorant, insensitive boob when he's inebriated. Our friends all love him anyway, and it really happens only once a month or so. It just really frosts my fanny to blush and apologize through a dinner party only to have Richie accuse me the next day of embarrassing him by being a stick-in-the-mud. Is there a solution?

Sincerely
Not the Life of the Party

Chere Mme. Party,

There are being only the two solutions to your big trouble. Either you must become very, very amusing at the parties, or you must demonstrate to M. Richie that he is being the big, obnoxious boob. Since I am assuming that you are not being interested in entertaining your friends by singing "Cabaret" while sitting in the punchbowl wearing only the feather boa, we will be concentrating on M. Richie.

Since you are saying that M. Richie is the very sensitive fellow when he is not wearing the lampshades on the head, I am recommending that you are presenting him with the documentation. You see that the problem is being that M. Richie is waking up in the morning and remembering that he was being very suave and erudite—much like M. James Bond. This is because his brains are being swollen from the alcohol.

For you is being the responsibility to correct for him the faulty memory.
I am not recommending that you are telling him that he is the big, stupid boob. This is only making him feel hurt and resentful and possibly driving him to drink. Non, I am telling you it is time to purchase for yourself the sleek, little video camera. Involve M. Richie in the purchase. Encourage him to study all of the gadgets and the settings. This is important because somebody will have to be knowing how to be plugging it into the television.

Now you can be bringing the camera to the parties with you. Playfully record all of M. Richie's adventures. At the very least, this will be making M. Richie to feel that you are being the very amusing person to take so much the big interest in him.

Wait several weeks. The next time that you are having the friends to visit, leap up from the chair and cry, "Let us be watching the very amusing video of M. Richie that I made at the party."
Now, while you are watching the video, you will point to the television where M. Richie is staggering about with the red face and the foolish expression and say, "Ha ha. My Richie, he is the card, n'est pas?" Possibly, M. Richie will begin to think that perhaps he should be sticking to the root beer at the parties, but more importantly, he will be convinced that you are, in fact, being very much more playful and frolicsome than he was once supposing.

Bon Chance, Mme. Party, and perhaps you should be learning all the words to "Cabaret" just in case.