Putting the Pressure On

Dear Madame Toujours,

You've got to help me. I'm so tired of the pressure. I'm a man in my mid-forties, been married to my wife Beth for fifteen years. When I was young, I was pretty much an insatiable sexual beast, but in the last few years, I've lost that feeling, and I have to say it's a relief.

The problem is my wife Beth. Lately she's been insatiable. She's been pressuring me to do something about my ...er... energy level. At first it was just nagging, then she started spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and makeup. I told her she didn't need all that to be beautiful to me, but she didn't seem very pleased. Now she's gone completely bonkers. She's totally redecorating the house which would be fine except we may go bankrupt, and she's turning the house into a fifteenth-century pirate ship--tearing out all the windows and replacing them with portholes etc. She's even bought an old cannon and put it in the living-room. Is this menopause? Should she be taking hormone replacement? What can I do to save my house?

Sincerely,

Under Pressure

Cher M. Pressure,

Now you are seeing the consequence of being the neglectful husband. Mme. Beth, she is the vital, creative woman in the prime of her life who is craving the passion and the excitement. If she is not having it with the husband, then she is having what the freudian psychological persons are calling the sublimations. This is where she is expressing all the creative energies with the arts and the crafts.

Now possibly you are remembering when you were the child and you were begging the Maman and Papa for the puppy, and they were telling you that if you were having the puppy, you were responsible for taking care of it. If you were the responsible child, you were having the faithful, devoted companion who was adoring you beyond sense and reason. If you were the careless child, your mother was having the faithful, devoted companion and so forth.

What you are now deciding is whether you are wishing to be the responsible husband or the careless type. If you are the responsible husband, this is being very easy. Dress yourself as M. Captain Jack Swallow, saunter aboard your ship and accost Mme. Beth with lustful passions. Oui, this is the tiresome chore--much like walking the energetic, little puppy.

Possibly you are thinking it is being easier to be the careless husband. Eh bien, simply hire for the wife the young, attractive carpenter with the loose morals and the many manly hormones. If Mme. is having the sexual frustrations, she will be succumbing to his advances before she is knowing what she is doing. Now Mme. Beth is having the expression for the creative passions, and you are enjoying the peaceful evenings alone with the television.

Bon Chance, M. Pressure, and you may wish to be sure that M. Le handsome, young Carpenter is having all his shots. Now this is like the responsibility for having two puppies. The work, she is never ending, n'est pas?