Family Obligations

Dear Madame Toujours,

In a few weeks, I will be attending the wedding of my niece. While chatting with my sister (the mother of the bride), I realized we had a problem with the wedding. When my sisters and I got married, our four brothers took our grooms aside at the receptions and threatened to kill them if they ever mistreated us.

As I spoke to my sister, it occurred to me that my niece's only brother is a prancing homosexual--a lovely boy, but I just don't think he can pull off the ritual threatening of the groom. To whom does the responsibility fall in this case? To the uncles? My brothers certainly have the experience, but they don't know the groom well, so it might be awkward. The same goes for the cousins. I have a son about the groom's age, and my brothers have half a dozen sons between them. I broached the question to my brother in law, but he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I reminded him of how my brothers had offered to feed him his own tongue if he ever cheated on my sister. He turned kind of pale and green and pretended he didn't know what I was talking about--which is something my brother Hernesto will be looking into, believe me, but that's another story.

In the meantime, what should we do? Should my sister and I be responsible for threatening the groom, or will we have to forgo the tradition?

Sincerely,

The Bride's Auntie

Chere Mme. Auntie,

Oui, the wedding etiquettes, they are tres difficile, n'est pas? However, the solution, she is tres simple. First, the female types should not be attempting to perform the masculine duties. When the male relatives, they are threatening the accouterments of the groom, everybody is being very jocular and manly, and everybody is understanding everybody else, and they are being very open and straightforward and comfortable. The groom, he is understanding the boundaries.

The females, on the other hands, they are not having the jocular familiarity. When they are threatening the manhoods, the groom, he is staying awake nights imagining the mother in law sneaking up on him from behind, and then he is unable to perform the manly duties in the bedroom and nobody is getting any grandchildren.

I am sure if you mention the matter to M. Hernesto, he will arrange for the tasteful bachelor party, and when everybody is liquored up and feeling extremely pleased with one another, all of the uncles and the cousins and even M. the homosexual type brother will be taking the groom aside and explaining to him the consequences of the misbehaviors.

Bon Chance, Mme. Auntie. As regards the little matter of the brother-in-law, perhaps you may be consulting your sister before you are approaching M. Hernesto about the indiscretions. It may be that the cripplingly expensive jewelry or automobile is being better appreciated by the wife than the actual physical violences against the husband.