Under Pressure

Dear madame tourjrs

I think my wife may be over-sexed. I guess that isn't fashionable, or politically-correct or something, and some people will say I'm just a tool of the oppressive patriarchy that hates women and tries to dominate them through their sexuality, but I'm getting really desperate. She wants it twice a week, and I'm just not up to the job. Once a month would be fine with me, and the rest of the time we could just cuddle. It's not that she isn't gorgeous and sexy, and I like, you know, being with her, but gee, I'm busy, and the NBA playoffs were on, and I'm tired in the evenings. I don't dare stay in the house if she's watching a romantic movie, and I get chills when I see her reading one of those novels with the slab-chested guys on the covers.

She hasn't suggested Viagra yet, but those darn commercials on the television make me cringe. It's not like I can't perform. I just don't feel like it. Isn't there some way to cool her jets? I don't think I should be pressured for sex if I'm not in the mood.

Sincerely,

Put Upon

Cher M. Upon,

What for are you not being in the mood? Bien sur, you are having the fatigue and the amusing hobbies, but possibly you should be considering the inconvenience if you are being obliged to find the new wife. The divorce, it is being quite tiresome, and afterward is never being financially the same. Also, there is the time and trouble of finding the new wife and having the frequent sex with her so that she will be wishing to marry you. This is the exhausting work, n'est pas?

Oui, many of the husbands who are in your position, they are considering the subcontractors. This is not usually being the good idea. Generally, Madame is becoming so distracted by the new lover that she is no longer appreciating the old husband, and you are feeling neglected and having the risk that she is deciding to divorce you and marry the new lover. Now you are once again having the inconvenient divorcings.

Since you are wishing to be conserving the energies, I am giving you the handy tips for the efficient performance.

1. Plan ahead. Select the time when the marital duties are not interfering with the interests and amusements.

2. Assemble any props or accouterments you will require such as the astronaut costume or the champagne and flowers.

3. Explore the grand old tradition of the "faking it." Ask yourself, "What would M. James Bond be doing?" or "How am I doing this if I am the ruthless pirate prince?" Then do that even if it is not what you are actually feeling like doing. Naturally, this is making you feel silly. However, nobody is asking you to tell anybody you are a ruthless pirate prince only to give Madame the thrill as if you are him. This is the very simple gesture requiring very little effort and giving the enormous returns. Madame will be excited. She will be quickly satisfied, and will possibly feel so grateful, she will make you the sandwich while you are returning to the sporting events and the personal scratching which are your real interests.

Bon Chance, M. Upon, Soon you will be satisfying Madame on your own terms and with much less inconvenience to yourself than you suppose.