The Kiss

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am getting married in two weeks to my boyfriend Elwood. I have been planning this wedding for two years. I had to quit job as a teller at the bank three months ago because the wedding was taking up so much of my time, and you wouldn't believe how expensive everything is, although I am saving almost five-hundred dollars on flowers by buying a vacant lot and planting a flower garden in it.

Anyway, I thought I had everything under control until my aunt Gerta asked me, "Now honey, what are you doing about the kiss?"

The kiss? I thought at least we had that covered. I mean, Elwood and I have been kissing regularly now for almost three years. Is there some kind of special wedding kiss we're supposed to know about? Is it supposed to be open-mouth? Closed mouth? Wet? Dry? What do you advise?

Sincerely,

Frazzled Bride

Chere Mlle. Bride,

Bien sur, the wedding kiss, it is being the exceedingly important business. You will be in front of the crowd of people all watching closely and judging your performance on the basis of the style, the creativity and the conviction. Everybody is noticing the slightest awkwardness and shaking the heads with the disapproval.

Fortunately, this is being the very little matter to overcome. First, it is mostly not mattering what kind of the kiss you are selecting. The chaste peck, it is tasteful and elegant, and it is not offending even the most prudish of the old grannies. This was being very popular when everybody was liking to pretend that everybody was very romantic and virginal and that the babies were mostly being left by the fairies under the cabbage leaves like the snails.

The slow, soft romantic kiss is being very popular now that generally everybody is supposing that even if you were not having the sex before, you are almost certainly doing it now that you are married to each other.

Whatever kiss you are selecting, the important thing is that you and M. Elwood are selecting the same one. You are not wanting to be going for the discreet peck while M. Elwood, he is coming for you with the tongue dangling.

Also, the practice, she is very important. You are not wanting to risk M. Elwood becoming nervous and forgetting which kiss he is supposed to be performing. If you are practicing before the ceremony, you can be smacking him very firmly on the head every time he is doing it wrong until he is thoroughly conditioned.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Bride, and remember: the only kiss which is entirely inappropriate is involving the lustful groping and slobbering. What are you thinking? There are the children watching you.