Dear Madame Toujours,

You have got to do something to help me before I starve to death. My wife Luanne has a big heart and a big family. The problem is her family seems to be always in the middle of some kind of crisis. If it isn't somebody is getting married or divorced or having triplets, then great aunt Muffin is dying. Great aunt Muffin is ninety-five. The family is always rushing to her deathbed in a panic, but as far as I can tell, she is healthy as a mule.

At every family crisis, Luanne goes into cooking overdrive. She produces a steady stream of cakes, casseroles and tuna salads for delivery to whatever household is in crisis this week. She is so busy, she doesn't have time to cook for me. I haven't had a home-cooked meal in three months, and the grocery bill is second only to the mortgage.

When I beg her to cook for me she accuses me of being selfish and hands me a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. What can I do to get some food?

Sincerely,

Famished

Cher M. Famished,

Clearly, you are being married to the nurturing Earth Mother type. This is the very desirable feature for the wife to be having. The difficulty which you are experiencing is that Mme. Luanne, she is being focused on the nurturing for the persons outside of the home. Possibly, the modern, feminist persons would be telling you to take the cooking classes and learn how you can be feeding yourself. This is the big foolishness. When are you having time to be using the kitchen when Mme. Luanne, she is cooking everything for everybody else?

The thing you must be remembering is that the marriage, it is being all about the compromises. Learn to take the advantage of the enormous, extended family. Have a crisis. Invent the sickly relative. Kill him in the lingering and gruesome fashion. Announce that you are prostrate with grief. Not only will the nurturing instincts of Mme. Luanne be aroused, but also her entire family will be coming to the doorstep with the tuna casseroles and the comfort foods. You may be able to eat for the month before you are having to come up with the new crisis.

But perhaps you are hoping for the more permanent solution to the problem. Insist to Mme. Luanne that you are urgently desiring to have the children, possibly twins, as soon as possible. Get right to work on the project. The children, they are the free ticket to the lifetime of nurturing. First, as soon as Mme. Luanne is announcing the happy news, you will be seeing the stream of food flowing to the front door. You will be needing the second freezer for the basement. Again, the birth is being celebrated with the food.

But this is only the beginning. Now, Mme. Luanne, she is having the small, helpless, adorable people to nurture right in her own home. Now there is no need for going out and fussing over everybody else. You will naturally benefit from having Mme. Luanne at home. Offer to look adoringly at the children while she is cooking the dinner. Possibly, you may have to offer to actually perform manual labor while she is cooking the dinner, but this is the small sacrifice, non?

Bon Chance, M. Famished. Possibly, if you were the small, helpless, adorable person, you would not be having this problem in the first place, n'est pas?