Classroom Creeps

Dear Madame Toujours,

What do you do about creepy guys who act like jerks? The reason I ask is because of Leon, this guy in my history class. The other day, I had finished my history assignment, so I was reading a book on these anomalous genetic thingies in dragonfly nymphs which was really interesting because of...well, anyway, Leon leans over and asks me what I'm reading, so I tell him it's a book on dragonfly nymphs, and he says, "You're reading about nymphos?" like nymphomania, which is a sexual disorder, which is a really dumb joke, and I say, "Baby dragonflies are called nymphs," and he says really loud to all his stupid, druggie friends, "Hey, Annabelle's reading about nymphos. I bet she's into lesbians. Hey, have any of you guys ever had sex with Annabelle? She just lays there..." anyway, he went on and on about all this really gross stuff which he was totally making up because he's totally greasy, and I wouldn't ever do anything with him even if he was the last guy on Earth and it was the last chance for the human race, and I'm not sure he really counts as a human anyway.

I figured nobody believed him anyway because everybody knows boys lie about sex, so I tried to go back to reading my book, but he was totally loud, and everybody in the room could hear him, but the teacher didn't do anything, just acted like it was totally nothing, so I reached down into my purse and pulled out my rape horn which is an air pump thing that makes a really loud noise, and I jerked it up right in his face and squeezed the trigger thing.

Well, he had to go to the nurse to stop the bleeding from his ears, and I guess he had a thirty percent hearing loss in his left ear which he totally deserved, and some of the other girls in the class fainted, and I think maybe the teacher wet himself, he was so startled, and I got suspended, and my rape horn was confiscated, which I don't think is fair. What do you think I should have done?

Sincerely,

Just Defending Myself

Chere Mlle. Defending,

Quelle domage, why is it being that the modern persons are having the big squeamishness about the little injures to the male persons who are behaving extremely badly toward the female persons? Eh bien, since it is being socially unacceptable to cause the maimings, you must be employing the subversive tactics. The biggest mistake that everybody is making about the sexual harassments is that they are being very polite and not wanting to bother anybody with the embarrassments. This is the big foolishness. If M. Leon is bothering you, then it is only being fair that the teachers and the principals and the school-boards are enjoying the remarks of M. Leon as much as you.

The correct thing is to raise your hand in the classroom and say very loudly and clearly, "M. le Teacher, will you please be making the distasteful person to stop disrupting my studies with his sexual harassments?"

Possibly M. le Teacher will be accusing you of causing the disruptions in the classroom. Apologize very sincerely for the unfortunate disruptiveness. Then do it again each time M. Leon is making the offensively personal remarks to you. This will not discourage M. Leon, but it will annoy the teachers who will send you to the principals who will be annoyed and try to tell you to be more tolerant of the male persons. This is all right. I am sure the reporters from the local news agencies will be very interested in M. Leon and his remarks.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Defending, and if the teachers and principals and school-boards are not liking for you to be disrupting the classrooms, they can be taking the responsibility to make M. Leon close for himself the mouth.