Platonic Friends?

Dear Madame Toujours,

My boyfriend and I are having an ongoing argument that I hope you can help us resolve. Rufus has many female friends who share his interest in aromatherapy and Tibetan chanting. He insists these are platonic friends and he has never had romantic feelings for any of them, but many of these friends are quite reasonably attractive, and I can't believe they really aren't interested in him. He says it is hard to find other men who share his interest in these areas and insists I am being unreasonably jealous.

Am I overreacting or is Rufus being naive to think these women are only interested in his chanting?

Sincerely,

Suspicious Nature

Chere Mlle. Nature,

Quelle domage. Always, it is difficult when you are having the beautiful young man and you are wishing to be locking him away and not sharing him with the greedy females who are wanting to steal him from you. Unfortunately, this is almost never the very good idea. Although M. Rufus may occasionally be liking to pretend he is your slave of love, the game, she is tiring if it is all of the time. In the long run, everybody is happier if you are resigning yourself to the friendships with the other female persons. After all, this is the charm of M. Rufus, that he is enjoying the conversations with the female persons as well as the sex, n'est pas?

Furthermore, although you are naturally regarding M. Rufus to be irresistible, it is being possible that the other female persons are not noticing this. Maybe they are finding him too short, or too blond, or too interested in their brains. If you are unsure whether this is the case, observe M. Rufus with his female friends. If les femmes are clearly attempting to entice M. Rufus, then you may wish to be very friendly to them while relating many amusing anecdotes about the mysterious disappearances of several women who were flirting with your last boyfriend.

Finally, I am observing that as long as everybody is thinking about the mutual interests, then it is the meeting of the minds, and the bodies, they are mostly going about their own businesses. For example, M. Rufus is saying, "I am meeting with Mlle. Marie, and possibly Mlle. Hortense will come also so that we can try out the new chants and smell the new herbs that Mlle. Marie is bringing. Are you wishing to be joining us?" Clearly, M. Rufus in being more interested in the chanting and the smelling than in the persons of the female persons. On the other hand, the time to be worrying is when M. Rufus is saying, "I am going to have the dinner with Mlle. Lisette because she is the wonderful charming individual." In this case, announce that you will be joining the party.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Suspicious. When you go to the dinner, order the steak. Toy with the steak knife with one hand while resting the other firmly on the thigh of M. Rufus and staring coldly at Mlle. Lisette. Everybody will be getting the point. Especially M. Rufus.

To Wed or Not to Wed

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a single woman, thirty-five, fit and attractive, intelligent, funny, easygoing and comfortably well off. The thing is, I have not met anyone I felt I could really spend my life with, and the dating is getting more and more tiresome. Now instead of callow youths who aren't ready to commit, all the men I meet seem to be wounded divorcees with emotionally traumatized teenage children. I have begun to wonder if it is really worth the time and effort to keep looking for that special guy. Can't a single woman be happy and fulfilled without a man?

Sincerely,

Still Single

Chere Mlle. Single,

Non. What the silly question, I, Europe's foremost matchmaker, am telling you that the life, she is empty without the man. This is not because you are not the perfectly sensible person all by yourself. Always, I am telling the women they should be having the interesting career or the hobby or at least making very much of the money because they cannot be expecting the man to be satisfying all of the emotional needs, but this is not meaning that you are not needing the man at all.

The man, he is satisfying the many important needs. For example, when you are having the man for your life, you are finding that you have never been closer to your mother. Now instead of calling her on the telephone to tell her that your childhood was hateful and she has ruined your life, you can be asking her advice concerning what you should do when M. le Husband, he is wearing the favorite baseball cap and watching the silly, noisy sports games in his underwear while eating cheese puffs and wiping the fingers on the couch. She is not knowing the answer. Her husband is doing this all of his life and although she is hating it, she is not being able to make him stop. That is why you have married M. le Husband in the first place--he is reminding you of your Pere. However, by the time you are finishing to talk about all of the obnoxious things the husbands are doing, the annoying sports programs are over and you can be watching the sensitive, family drama.

Also, the husbands, they are being exceedingly useful when you are having the cold feet in the bed at night. The most successful method to warm the feet is to be waiting until M. le Husband is being just on the edge of the sleep. Then quickly tuck the feet that are like the icy blocks of frozen meat into the backs of the knees where he is very warm. If you are doing this very often, then possibly M. le Husband is developing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is finding himself to be unable to sleep. This is good because then he is being unable to snore, so in addition to having the warm feet, you are sleeping very restfully.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Single, and hurry to find for yourself the husband.

Family Obligations

Dear Madame Toujours,

In a few weeks, I will be attending the wedding of my niece. While chatting with my sister (the mother of the bride), I realized we had a problem with the wedding. When my sisters and I got married, our four brothers took our grooms aside at the receptions and threatened to kill them if they ever mistreated us.

As I spoke to my sister, it occurred to me that my niece's only brother is a prancing homosexual--a lovely boy, but I just don't think he can pull off the ritual threatening of the groom. To whom does the responsibility fall in this case? To the uncles? My brothers certainly have the experience, but they don't know the groom well, so it might be awkward. The same goes for the cousins. I have a son about the groom's age, and my brothers have half a dozen sons between them. I broached the question to my brother in law, but he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I reminded him of how my brothers had offered to feed him his own tongue if he ever cheated on my sister. He turned kind of pale and green and pretended he didn't know what I was talking about--which is something my brother Hernesto will be looking into, believe me, but that's another story.

In the meantime, what should we do? Should my sister and I be responsible for threatening the groom, or will we have to forgo the tradition?

Sincerely,

The Bride's Auntie

Chere Mme. Auntie,

Oui, the wedding etiquettes, they are tres difficile, n'est pas? However, the solution, she is tres simple. First, the female types should not be attempting to perform the masculine duties. When the male relatives, they are threatening the accouterments of the groom, everybody is being very jocular and manly, and everybody is understanding everybody else, and they are being very open and straightforward and comfortable. The groom, he is understanding the boundaries.

The females, on the other hands, they are not having the jocular familiarity. When they are threatening the manhoods, the groom, he is staying awake nights imagining the mother in law sneaking up on him from behind, and then he is unable to perform the manly duties in the bedroom and nobody is getting any grandchildren.

I am sure if you mention the matter to M. Hernesto, he will arrange for the tasteful bachelor party, and when everybody is liquored up and feeling extremely pleased with one another, all of the uncles and the cousins and even M. the homosexual type brother will be taking the groom aside and explaining to him the consequences of the misbehaviors.

Bon Chance, Mme. Auntie. As regards the little matter of the brother-in-law, perhaps you may be consulting your sister before you are approaching M. Hernesto about the indiscretions. It may be that the cripplingly expensive jewelry or automobile is being better appreciated by the wife than the actual physical violences against the husband.

Taxtime

Dear Madam to shore,

I am a professional "male companion." Now that tax time has come around again, I find I am in the usual quandary as to how to list my profession on my tax forms. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Professional Guy

Cher M. Guy,

First, you must be determining whether you are the paid employee or the independent contractor. This, it is being not so difficult. If Madame, she is giving you the form W-2, then it is that you are the employee and you are filling out the form 1040. If, Madame is not giving you the W-2, and she is not withholding for you the federal taxes, then it is that you are filling out the schedule C. with the form SE. Tres simple, non?

Here it is where everything, it is being the little bit complicated. Many of the self-employed persons in the profession such as yours are wishing to have the discretion. When they are being asked what is the profession, they are liking to say, "housekeeper", or "landscape architect" or "masseuse". This is being no good. If you are the landscape architect, or the housekeeper, then you can only be deducting from the taxes the expenses which are having to do with the landscape architecture and the housekeeping. Soon, we will be discussing the deductions in the greater detail, but for now, you are simply being honest and straightforward and saying, "I am the professional male companion.

I will explain for you now what are some of the important things to be remembering when you are reporting for yourself the income. Many of the professional companions are finding themselves to be audited because they are forgetting that all of the little gifts from Madame, they are considered to be the income. This means that if Madame, she is putting the condo in Acapulco into your name, then you must be reporting this as the income for your taxes. Keep this in mind when Madame, she is giving you the very expensive gifts. Sometimes is being better to say, "but non, it is enough that I am having your love." Now you are not having the nuisance for the income tax, Madame, she is flattered, and you are still having the use of the condominium with Madame. Everybody is winning, non?

You are seeing that if you are the very skilled professional, then you are having very much of the income to report. You will wish to be offsetting some of the income with the itemized deductions. Many persons are being alarmed, thinking that the itemized deductions, they are the big difficult thing. But non. Simply list the expenditures which are applying to the professional business. Now you are seeing why it is being important that you are reporting the actual business. If you are the housekeeper or the masseuse, then you can only be deducting the expensive vacuum cleaners and the massaging tables. If you are listing the leopard print undergarments and the suggestive lingerie, then this is being considered only the hobby, and the Internal Revenue persons will suppose that you are the big fruit. As long as you are reporting the actual employment, then everybody is understanding that this is being the legitimate business expense.

Bon Chance, M. Guy and remember to file early. There is being no excuse for the lateness.

TechnoGirl

Dear Madame Toujours,

Last night, I asked my boyfriend Kyle to install my new network card and set up my email and Web browser. Kyle said he didn't have time and told me about his friend Tim's girlfiend Nina who just installed a new motherboard and CPU in her PC. He was very excited. I think I saw beads of sweat on his upper lip.

Madame Toujours, I have to draw the line somewhere. I can change the oil in my car and program the VCR, but a man has to be good for something. If it weren't for Kyle, I wouldn't even have this dumb PC. I was going to go for one of those pretty colored Macs, but Kyle thought we should both have PCs so he could help me maintain mine.

Plus, it's nice to feel I can depend on Kyle. Doesn't this Nina person realize girls like her are raising the bar for the rest of us? Is it fair for Kyle to make me feel inadequate because I can't build a computer from scratch? Do I have to be a techno-nerd just to keep my man? Where will it all end?

Sincerely,

Trying to Keep up with Nina

Chere Mlle. Trying,

Quelle domage. The new liberation for the women, it is sometimes tres difficile, n'est pas? Bien sur it is being all very well if you are building solar powered Mars orbiters out of the common kitchen utensils, but while this is very satisfying, it is not perhaps so much the big romance.

Possibly, you are thinking that the solution for the problem is to be hiring the large, Eastern European woman to break for Mlle Nina the knees. Please be calling off the hit. This is not the creative solution.

If I am understanding correctly what is for you the problem, this is not so much the question of the recombobulation of the technical thingies which you can be learning to do for yourself anyway. No, for you, this is the issue of the security.

You are wishing to know that M. Kyle, he is loving you for your bosoms and your sense of the humor not for the silly technical things that are becoming obsolete every six months so that you are always having to learn them all over again.

What you are forgetting is that someday, your bosoms, they will be obsolete, and he will grow used to your sense of humor, but the technical expertise, it is always new and exciting.

Here is what you must do. Advertise in the newspapers that you are wishing to assemble the technological support group for the female persons. Take turns meeting at the homes of the members. Make the schedule to decide who is bringing the refreshments such as scones and eclairs. Serve international coffees. Meet for lunch at the cafes chic. Some members may wish to bring their quilting or their needlepoint.

Possibly you are wondering how all of this is helping you with the technological things. Do not be silly. You were not really wanting to talk about the technological things anyway.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Trying, and perhaps you can be asking Mlle. Nina to help you to install the computer doohickies.

Teptation

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am concerned about the teenage son of my neighbor Meg. Young Jeffey is only sixteen. As you know, this is a very vulnerable age when young men are easily tempted to lust, and boys who are constantly bombarded by sexual sights may turn to drugs ...or worse, self-abuse. I'm sure Jeffey is a very nice boy, but I am worried because my neighbor has just hired a young woman to clean her house twice a week. I just happened to be looking out the window when this young person arrived, and I noticed she was wearing those legging things that don't hide a thing and a very skimpy shirt.

I mentioned to Meg that she ought to say something to the young woman about her attire, but Meg just said she was covered from her neck to her ankles and was a good housekeeper.

Madame Toujours, I'm sure this young woman just doesn't realize she is tempting young men to lust. Is there some polite way to take her aside and tell her to change the way she dresses? I don't like to stick my nose into other people's business, but someone has to think of the children!

Sincerely,

Concerned Citizen

Chere Mme. Citizen,

Bien sur, everybody must always be considering the children, but also it is important that everybody is considering the comfort of the domestic help. The children, they are everywhere, but the good help, she is hard to find, n'est pas?

Possibly you are thinking that the young person, she is wearing the stretchy knit clothings because she is the slut who is liking to expose for herself the figure. But you are not considering that perhaps she is not being the exhibitionist. Perhaps she is only liking to have the comfort.

Eh bien, moi, I am being too old to be wearing the cotton/lycra blends, but often, I am looking with envy at the young persons who are bending and flexing with the freedom and the comfort. There is not the binding, the chaffing. How nice to lunge and pirouette, to flit about upon the toes. The drudgery of the housework, it is almost the dance, non?

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "What is the comfort when it is the lusts and the sinnings that are tempting the young boys? It is being up to les femmes to be keeping the young men pure in the thoughts."

Bah. Everybody is always worrying that les femmes, they are going about and tempting the young boys. This is the big sillyness. The young boys, they are not needing anybody to be tempting them. They are being perfectly capable of tempting themselves. Myself, I am thinking it is better that les hommes are having plenty of the opportunities to be tempted by les femmes. At least now they are knowing what it is they are lusting about. If they are not noticing les femmes then possibly they are becoming confused and thinking that they are lusting about les sheep or les household appliances.

Bon Chance, Mme. Citizen, and I am highly recommending for you to try the flexible clothings. At least for the housework. After all, what you are wearing in the privacy of your own home, it is only for you to know.

Feminism

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am very hurt by the anti-feminist attitudes of all my friends. They have always gone on and on about women supporting each other and sticking up for each other and standing up to oppression. Then, out of the blue, they have all turned against me.

It started with Beverly telling Lacey about the night I got Lacey's husband drunk and seduced him. Suddenly, Lacey isn't speaking to me anymore. Then Lacey's husband told her Anne's husband told him about my six-month affair with him--which is just the kind of abuse and harassment I would expect from a man, but then can you believe Lacey actually told Anne, and the two of them told everyone else? I trusted these women and now half the women in the group won't talk to me anymore.

Please say a word about the importance of women sticking together.

Sincerely,

Disappointed Feminist

Chere Mlle. Disappointed,

Possibly, you are experiencing the very common confusion about the feminisms. Once upon the time long, long ago, the feminism was being about the equal rights with the voting and the careers. However, ever since the female American persons were learning to vote and to have the amusing careers, they have been looking for new reasons to be resentful and dissatisfied.

At first, they were feeling resentful about the actual injustice such as having less money and not enough birth-control and not being encouraged to learn math. Soon, however, the feminist persons were realizing that they were not really feeling very oppressed about these issues, and they began to be afraid they would have to become self-actualized.

Fortunately, somebody--possibly Betty Freidan--discovered they could avoid becoming self-actualized by blaming men for everything. Everybody agreed this was a very good idea. Soon everybody was blaming the masculine persons for everything from the wars to the athlete's feet.

Now, clearly, you are thinking of the new kind of feminism in which, if the female persons are wishing to be extremely selfish and indifferent to other people, they can be saying, "But why should I not have the sex with your husband? After all, I am the feminist," or, "How are you daring to ask me to be calling you on the telephone if I am going to be three hours late for dinner? You are the big, hairy abuser," or possibly, "I will use your sperm to get a baby and then I will take it away and force you to give me all your money so that I am not needing to have the useful work and became self-actualized."

This is not even having to be fair. Fairness is being based on the logic, and logic is masculine, and everything masculine is evil. Now it is being a virtue to be completely irrational and insensitive and to demand that everybody is doing everything that you are wanting.

Bon chance, Mlle. Disappointed, clearly your friends are having the petty and unreasonable attachment to the other kind of feminism in which nobody is betraying anybody and stealing their husbands.

The Big Dripper

Dear Madame Toujours,

My wife and I have been having an argument ever since we were married ten years ago. The subject is a little personal and embarrassing, so bear with me. The thing is, Bev complains that I … er … frequently miss. In the, you know, bathroom. First of all, I categorically deny that this is the case. Bev points to some yellowish stains, but that could be anything. Maybe the dog drools when he finishes drinking out of the bowl; I don't know, but it isn't me. Now Bev is threatening that the next time she sees a stain, she will make me clean it up, and the next time she steps in the evidence, she will make me clean the entire bathroom. She says if it still continues, she will make me sit down when I … you know.

There is only so much a man can take. Bev is robbing me of my masculinity, and if she keeps it up, I am going to have to walk.

Sincerely,

The Big Dripper

Cher M. Dripper,

C'est vrais, the masculinity, he is in the crisis. However, this is not the fault of Mme. Bev. Stop with the silly excuses about the dog and the threatenings to run away from the marriage and face for yourself the problem. The unfortunate drippings and sprinklings, they are the signs of the lack of control, of finesse and discipline. This is not the big manliness unless you are trying to mark for yourself the territory. Mostly, the wives, they are not liking this because they prefer to be marking the territories by cleaning them, and she knows that you are knowing perfectly well that the bathroom, it is her territory and you are having no business to be marking it.

What you must be doing is to take charge of the masculinity. Every man can be learning the dexterity if he is having the little practice. The next time you are feeling the pressure to answer Madame le Nature, simply go outside and practice with writing the name in the snow.

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "I am living in the temperate climate. Does this mean that I am doomed to the unmanly staining of the porcelain?"

Not at all. Many of the men are preferring to arrange the convenient sandbox outside the home. The most important consideration is that it is large enough for the early, unskilled efforts. In the emergency, the paved driveway or even the street outside the home is making the excellent surface for the practice. The only drawback is the dripping which is sometimes spoiling the effect.

When you are becoming very proficient with the writing of the name, you can expand the efforts to the simple images. With practice, you may even be graduating to the imitations of the great masters.

Bon Chance, M. Dripper. I am recommending that you are not attempting the fancy tricks such as, "Regardez, Maman, no hands," until you are becoming extremely proficient.

Am I Too Nice?

Dear Madame Toujours,

All my life I have been told by my mother, my Sunday school teachers, and my Barbie dolls that nobody will love me unless I am nice. There's that whole "forgive your enemies" thing to start with. Then there's that stuff about sugar and spice. And then just in case I didn't get the point, along comes herpes. Suddenly, it isn't even safe to get wild and reckless on Friday nights.

So I have gone through thirty years of being nice, and so far as I can see, it has netted me exactly nothing. Guys dump me after a couple weeks of walking all over me. I haven't had a raise at work in ten years even though I'm always the one offering to do the little extras that keep the office running.

I look around and see plenty of women who are outright tin-plated bitches, and even though they are horrible people that I wouldn't allow in my rowboat if this were the biblical flood, they seem to get everything they want in life (actually, I would let them in my rowboat even though I would be miserable about it the whole time because, doggone it, I am nice).

Look, I'm not in it for the rewards. I don't expect to get rewards for being nice. I know that's not the point, but can't I be nice without feeling like a marshmallow?

Sincerely,

Too Nice

Chere Mlle. Nice,

Oui, you are noticing the important truth about la chienne. The bitch, she is having the forcefulness to be insisting to get what she is wanting, and everybody else, they can be going to the dogs for all she is caring about.

Unfortunately, as you are noticing, this is the very distasteful person. This is the person who is always lording herself over the persons who are weaker and taking the advantages of them. Eh bien, she is always making everybody miserable, and complaining about how she is never getting what she is deserving. Usually, she is supposing that she is deserving to be admired and respected and to have many nice things.

However, you are not being doomed to crawl around like the cringing lapdog for the rest of the life. The goal for you, it is to transcend both the nice girl and the bitch and become La Chienne Superieure. The alpha bitch, she is the strong one. She is the one who is guiding everybody and teaching the little puppies and defending them from the bears and the tigers. She is not the selfish one who is only wanting to be admired and feared and to have all of the tasty rabbits and field mice to eat. She is ferocious for the benefits of the pack.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Nice. I am thinking you will find that when it is not for yourself but for the helpless ones who are not protecting themselves, you will be finding that the inner Chienne Superieure, she is waiting just under the skin.

Bossy Boyfriend

Dear Madame Toujours,

My legs were paralyzed in a car accident when I was a child, and I never thought I would ever meet a man who could love me. Then I met Neil, and it was like a miracle. We fell in love and moved in together. Neil always knows how everything should be done. It makes me feel safe to know my life is such good hands. I had no idea there were so many things I was doing wrong!

The problem is my best friend since second grade, LeighAnn. She lives in the same apartment building as Neil and me, and Neil has been really great about helping and supporting her.

If LeighAnn would just take Neil's advice, they would get along fine, but she is too stuborn. She insists on going to her book club sweeping her floor from left to right, doing her shopping in the morning and leaving her dinner dishes to wash after breakfast.

Neil is just trying to help, but LeighAnn won't speak to him any more, so he had to start calling her family and her boss at work whenever she does something the wrong way. He had to call so often, LeighAnn's boss has threatened to fire her if she doesn't make Neil stop. I told her Neil would stop if she would just do things the way says. LeighAnn said she can't see me anymore unless I break up with Neil.

I don't think this is fair. If she really cared about me, she would try to get along with Neil. Neil says LeighAnn and I were never really friends, so I guess I was wrong to think we were.

Sincerely,

Torn

Chere Mlle. Torn,

Clearly you are forgetting the very important rule about never having the romance for the persons that your friends are not liking.

Eh bien, if you are wishing to be keeping the friends, you must learn to be keeping M. Neil too busy to be annoying them. This is being very simple. You must be making the big point to never do anything the way M. Neil is telling you. There is no point to be trying to do everything the way M. Neil is telling you anyway. Every time you are learning to do everything the way he is liking, he is saying you are stupid to be doing it that way and you should be doing it differently.

Possibly this not providing enough of the entertainments to keep M. Neil completely away from the friends. In this case, you should pretend to be more helpless and inadequate than he already thinks you are. You are knowing you are successful when M. Neil is making the exasperated sound and insisting that if you are not being able to brush for yourself the teeth, he will have to be doing it for you.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Torn. In the little time, M. Neil will be too happy controlling everything about your life to be annoying for you the friends.

Be the Pack Leader

Dear Madame Toujours,

I hope you can help me with a problem in my marriage. I have been married to Freddie for twelve years. The trouble is that when we first met, our relationship was predicated on the assumption that I was a flake and Freddie was the competent one. He could point out my faults and mistakes and make little jokes about my inadequacies, and I didn't mind because I knew he loved me in spite of these things.

We got along fine until I fell in love with a teeny little dustmop of a puppy I saw in a cardboard box outside a pet store. Freddie gently told me that I was too forgetful and disorganized to take care of a puppy. I was too in love with little Pippi to let her go, so I set out to learn everything I could find about raising a puppy.

In the process, I learned about being the pack leader and about having calm, assertive energy so that little Pippi would feel secure and confident.

As I practiced being calm and assertive, I got promoted to manager of the homeless shelter where I worked. I also made several good friends at the dog park and the puppy obedience classes, and I started to feel that Freddie wasn't always right when he pointed out my mistakes. I started calmly and assertively telling Freddy that I am a competent person, and I want to be treated with respect. Freddy is becoming more and more frustrated with this--accusing me of being a know-it-all and thinking I am queen of the world.

Can I somehow salvage my marriage without turning back into a doormat?

Sincerely,

Alpha Bitch

Chere Mme. Alpha,

Oui, this is being tres difficile for M. Freddy. Unfortunately, unlike the sensible persons such as Mlle. Pippi, M. Freddy is having the slow time to learn the new habits.

Many of the modern psychological persons will be telling you to have the honest, open conversations about the feelings. This is the big nonsense. This is only the opportunity for M. Freddy to tell you honestly and openly the many ways that you are inadequate. This is being very tedious and tiresome for you.

The only way to be putting M. Freddy firmly in his proper place is to be crushing him firmly beneath the heels. Explain to him that he is the pitiful, crawling worm who is not worthy to lick for you the toes. Then graciously permit him to lick the toes.

Possibly, you are thinking this is unnecessarily harsh. Non. M. Freddy, he is the fellow who is needing to feel that there is the very strong leadership. He is being only free to treat you as the competent person if he is having the confidence that you are the remorseless dictator who is permitting no arguments.

Bon Chance, Mme. Alpha, and be careful if it is necessary to be the despot, that you are at least the very benevolent one.

Putting the Pressure On

Dear Madame Toujours,

You've got to help me. I'm so tired of the pressure. I'm a man in my mid-forties, been married to my wife Beth for fifteen years. When I was young, I was pretty much an insatiable sexual beast, but in the last few years, I've lost that feeling, and I have to say it's a relief.

The problem is my wife Beth. Lately she's been insatiable. She's been pressuring me to do something about my ...er... energy level. At first it was just nagging, then she started spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and makeup. I told her she didn't need all that to be beautiful to me, but she didn't seem very pleased. Now she's gone completely bonkers. She's totally redecorating the house which would be fine except we may go bankrupt, and she's turning the house into a fifteenth-century pirate ship--tearing out all the windows and replacing them with portholes etc. She's even bought an old cannon and put it in the living-room. Is this menopause? Should she be taking hormone replacement? What can I do to save my house?

Sincerely,

Under Pressure

Cher M. Pressure,

Now you are seeing the consequence of being the neglectful husband. Mme. Beth, she is the vital, creative woman in the prime of her life who is craving the passion and the excitement. If she is not having it with the husband, then she is having what the freudian psychological persons are calling the sublimations. This is where she is expressing all the creative energies with the arts and the crafts.

Now possibly you are remembering when you were the child and you were begging the Maman and Papa for the puppy, and they were telling you that if you were having the puppy, you were responsible for taking care of it. If you were the responsible child, you were having the faithful, devoted companion who was adoring you beyond sense and reason. If you were the careless child, your mother was having the faithful, devoted companion and so forth.

What you are now deciding is whether you are wishing to be the responsible husband or the careless type. If you are the responsible husband, this is being very easy. Dress yourself as M. Captain Jack Swallow, saunter aboard your ship and accost Mme. Beth with lustful passions. Oui, this is the tiresome chore--much like walking the energetic, little puppy.

Possibly you are thinking it is being easier to be the careless husband. Eh bien, simply hire for the wife the young, attractive carpenter with the loose morals and the many manly hormones. If Mme. is having the sexual frustrations, she will be succumbing to his advances before she is knowing what she is doing. Now Mme. Beth is having the expression for the creative passions, and you are enjoying the peaceful evenings alone with the television.

Bon Chance, M. Pressure, and you may wish to be sure that M. Le handsome, young Carpenter is having all his shots. Now this is like the responsibility for having two puppies. The work, she is never ending, n'est pas?

Casting Your Vote

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am really struggling with my choice for the democratic candidate for president, and I think you are probably the only possible person who could help me with my choice.

Here's my difficulty: Barak Obama is a charming, personable man with many fine qualities, and I agree with many of his positions, and he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The thing is, I really believe our country needs a strong man to lead us out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into, and I just can't help feeling that Hillary is that man. I mean, she's got a plan, she's organized, she's tough and compassionate, she's a staunch Methodist, and she's got loads of experience.

On the other hand, she's also got Bill. I mean, he's a charming man, but do we really want him roaming around the country getting up to who knows what mischief? I mean some of things he's been saying on the TV! Poor Hillary. Still, can't she keep him on a leash, and if she can't manage her husband, can she really manage an entire country?

And by the way, what is this business where people call her "Hillary?" When her husband was campaigning, everybody referred to him as "Clinton." Is this some kind of discrimination? Are people not taking her seriously because she's a woman? Does this mean she is weak? And how long before we can elect Chelsea--I mean Ms. Clinton Jr.?

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Chere Mme. Perplexed,

Oui, c'est tres difficile the important decisions for the running of the country. Who to be voting for, what to be voting for, whether the husband of Mme. President is an ornament to the nation.

Moi, I cannot be making for you the important personal political decisions, but possibly, I can be helping for you to clarify the crucial issues.

Bien sur, the sensible females are always being attracted to the gentle fellows with the warmth and the compassions. You can be marrying him with the impugnities. Possibly, he is the excellent candidate to be the warm and compassionate husband for the nation.

However, possibly, you are having the correctness to be wishing for the strong female type who is whipping the nation into shape. Naturally, you are looking at the husband for the example of the competence of the wife.

However, I am suggesting that you are glancing across the living room at the husband who is sitting in the La-z-boy with the "Cheetos" crumbs on the facial whiskers and the beer propped on the belly. Now look at the husband of Mme. Clinton. Suddenly, Mme. Clinton, she is looking very competent, n'est pas? Nobody is controlling the husband. He is mostly the undomesticated animal who is making you proud if he is not scratching himself lewdly in the public venues.

Bon Chance, Mme. Perplexed, and as for the question of the correct address for Mme. Clinton, yes, it is the cultural practice to be addressing the female types very often by the given names. This is the expression of the charm and warmth, and nobody is much caring as long as they are addressing her as Madame PRESIDENT Hillary.

Bossed Around

Dear Madame Toujours,

I have been married to my husband Royce for fifteen years. For seven of those, he has been the handsome, charismatic CEO of a high-powered international marketing company. All day long, he jets from one end of the Earth to the other having people fetch and carry for him and call him "Sir" and "Boss". He's gone for weeks at a time. Then he comes home and he seems to think he's still at work.

He acts like he's completely helpless, like he never learned how to fix a garbage disposal or carry out a bag of garbage, like he thinks he ought to be able to snap his fingers and have half a dozen lackeys appear out of nowhere to help his kids with their homework. He barks orders like the kids and I are his personal staff. It's exhausting, and irritating, and I'd like to smack him upside his fat head.

I've tried to talk to him with all that "I-statement" therapy-talk crapadoodle, but he claims he just doesn't have the least idea what I'm talking about. I'd have divorced him (or whacked him senseless with a blunt object) years ago, but he does a lot of very important work, and I've got this irrational attachment to the big jerk. Plus, the kids would miss him.

Is there some way to get through to him so that I can enjoy my husband and the kids can get to know their father?

Sincerely,

Tired of Being Bossed Around

Chere Mme. Bossed,

Quelle domage that M. le Boss, he is having the tiresome habits. However, I am always observing that the compromise, it is being the very important tool of the marriages. Clearly, M. le Boss, he is feeling much more of the comforts when he is the familiar environment of the successful business. Fortunately, M. le Boss is not being at home all of the times. It should not be the terrible burden to be making the small adjustments.

Purchase for yourself and the children the useful businesslike accouterments. If the children are of a suitable age, they will wish to have the "blackberry" thingies that everybody is using for the businesses. Learn to employ the fancy, modern terminologies such as, "Here, now I am textilating to you about the conference with the CEO of the children's educational work-group because little Jeffy is possibly being downsized from his position in the fourth-grade." Suggest that some personal mentoring from the boss would improve the productivity of M. Jeffy.

Learn to carry a clipboard and a notebook. Pretend to take notes of everything he says. The next day, you can read back the "minutes" of the meeting. Tell him he has on his schedule for five-thirty an important meeting at the curb with the "Head trash receptacle."

Offer to sleep your way to the top. The power, she is the aphrodisiac, non?

Bon chance, Mme. Tired, and if M. le Boss, he is making the life more complicated, you can be insisting that he provide you with an "executive assistant" to "facilitize" your "management strategy."

Home Decorating

Dear Madame Toujours,

I need to consult with you on a matter of interior decorating. My daughter Elsbeth is a brilliant, beautiful, woman, a model of efficiency, gentle and generous and generally delightful. She and her husband Corin recently decided to remodel their house and my friend Ginny recommended a contractor.

About a month into the remodel, Ginny called me in a tizzy to report that Alvin the contractor had called her and told her that he couldn't work with Elsbeth and she was going over budget on the remodel and would go bankrupt and he, Alvin, was afraid Elsbeth wouldn't be able to pay him.

I, of course, told Ginny it was nonsense and forgot all about it. Soon after, I got a call from Alvin. He told me I had to do something about Elsbeth because she was completely out of control. I told him he should talk to Elsbeth about it, but he said he couldn't talk to her. She wouldn't listen to him, and the house was turning into a disaster. I told him I was sure he was exaggerating, but I would talk to Elsbeth and see what was going on.

When I went to Elsbeth's house to see the remodel--which was charming, by the way--Elsbeth was livid. The moment I arrived, she lit into me, telling me I had no right to talk about her behind her back and spread rumors about her. She actually cried. She said she couldn't believe I would betray her that way. Bewildered, I asked her what she was talking about. She told me not to lie to her: Alvin had told her everything I had been telling him behind her back.

Now Elsbeth isn't speaking to me or to Ginny who, it seems, has been tarred with the same brush although Alvin still calls her and tells her everything that Elsbeth is doing wrong, and since Elsbeth is angry at her, Ginny has started to believe these things, and I can't convince her Alvin is the one really causing trouble.

My question for you is: When you have hunted your contractor through the city streets, torn him to pieces like the maenads of Greek mythology and hung his testicles by your front door as a tasteful bell-pull, how do you deal with the problem of odor and decay?

Sincerely,

Vengeful Mom

Chere Mme. Vengeful,

You are observing the very unfortunate issue that is troubling the beleaguered homeowners throughout the centuries. In the old days, when the contractor persons were behaving in the excessively difficult fashion, the homeowners were tastefully mounting the heads on the pikes in the front of the castle. M. Vlad the Impaller had the terrible troubles with the general contracting type persons. Eventually, however, the carcasses and so forth were decaying and causing the hazards to the public health.

Bon Chance Mme. Vengeful, and fortunately, the modern technologies are presenting the solutions. The trophies removed from the undesirable persons can be inexpensively and conveniently bronzed before being hung proudly beside the front door.

Classroom Creeps

Dear Madame Toujours,

What do you do about creepy guys who act like jerks? The reason I ask is because of Leon, this guy in my history class. The other day, I had finished my history assignment, so I was reading a book on these anomalous genetic thingies in dragonfly nymphs which was really interesting because of...well, anyway, Leon leans over and asks me what I'm reading, so I tell him it's a book on dragonfly nymphs, and he says, "You're reading about nymphos?" like nymphomania, which is a sexual disorder, which is a really dumb joke, and I say, "Baby dragonflies are called nymphs," and he says really loud to all his stupid, druggie friends, "Hey, Annabelle's reading about nymphos. I bet she's into lesbians. Hey, have any of you guys ever had sex with Annabelle? She just lays there..." anyway, he went on and on about all this really gross stuff which he was totally making up because he's totally greasy, and I wouldn't ever do anything with him even if he was the last guy on Earth and it was the last chance for the human race, and I'm not sure he really counts as a human anyway.

I figured nobody believed him anyway because everybody knows boys lie about sex, so I tried to go back to reading my book, but he was totally loud, and everybody in the room could hear him, but the teacher didn't do anything, just acted like it was totally nothing, so I reached down into my purse and pulled out my rape horn which is an air pump thing that makes a really loud noise, and I jerked it up right in his face and squeezed the trigger thing.

Well, he had to go to the nurse to stop the bleeding from his ears, and I guess he had a thirty percent hearing loss in his left ear which he totally deserved, and some of the other girls in the class fainted, and I think maybe the teacher wet himself, he was so startled, and I got suspended, and my rape horn was confiscated, which I don't think is fair. What do you think I should have done?

Sincerely,

Just Defending Myself

Chere Mlle. Defending,

Quelle domage, why is it being that the modern persons are having the big squeamishness about the little injures to the male persons who are behaving extremely badly toward the female persons? Eh bien, since it is being socially unacceptable to cause the maimings, you must be employing the subversive tactics. The biggest mistake that everybody is making about the sexual harassments is that they are being very polite and not wanting to bother anybody with the embarrassments. This is the big foolishness. If M. Leon is bothering you, then it is only being fair that the teachers and the principals and the school-boards are enjoying the remarks of M. Leon as much as you.

The correct thing is to raise your hand in the classroom and say very loudly and clearly, "M. le Teacher, will you please be making the distasteful person to stop disrupting my studies with his sexual harassments?"

Possibly M. le Teacher will be accusing you of causing the disruptions in the classroom. Apologize very sincerely for the unfortunate disruptiveness. Then do it again each time M. Leon is making the offensively personal remarks to you. This will not discourage M. Leon, but it will annoy the teachers who will send you to the principals who will be annoyed and try to tell you to be more tolerant of the male persons. This is all right. I am sure the reporters from the local news agencies will be very interested in M. Leon and his remarks.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Defending, and if the teachers and principals and school-boards are not liking for you to be disrupting the classrooms, they can be taking the responsibility to make M. Leon close for himself the mouth.

Classroom Cutups

Dear Madame Toujours,

I read your last column, and I think I might have been sexually harassed last week in my tenth grade trigonometry class. See, I was sitting with my friends Heather and Jennifer. We were starting our homework so we could get done early and go to the mall after school.

Ernie Codswallop and Court Plumber were sitting in the next row talking about superheroes. They are kind of nerds, and they are always talking about something boring like that and trying to get Heather and Jennifer and me to talk about boring stuff, too. I don't want to be rude and hurt their feelings, so I mostly pretend I don't hear them which would be rude and mean if it were anybody else, but Ernie and Court seem to think it means I really like them a lot. Maybe because the popular kids are really mean to them, so being ignored actually seems nice.

The thing is, they got to talking about superheroes and, you know, sex, and how different superheroes...well, it was kind of gross, and it made me feel uncomfortable, and Jennifer and Heather were giggling which just encouraged them, and I kept kicking Heather under her chair and whispering for her to stop encouraging them, but she kept giggling only she had this kind of desperate look in her eyes like a rabbit in the headlights of a car.

Ernie and Court kept trying to get my attention, but I just kept ignoring them and taking deep breaths so I wouldn't blush so much.

Is this sexual harassment, and what should I have done about it?

Sincerely,

Exasperated

Chere Mlle. Exasperated,

Possibly, Mssrs. Ernie and Court are only being the big nerds and thinking that everybody is being very amused by the talking about the superheroes.

The correct thing is to say gently, "Mssrs., that is being the very distasteful subject, and I am trying to do the homeworks." If they are only the big nerds, they will make the few jokes to save the faces, and then they will desist in the obnoxiousness. If they are continuing with the offensiveness, then they are the big, obnoxious jerks, and you may be referring to the previous column for the correct procedures.

You are correct to observe that the unfortunate giggling of the friends is encouraging the nerd persons to continue with the distasteful remarks. However, this is possibly not to mean they are enjoying the talking about the sexual habits of the superheroes. Very many times, the young female persons, they are having the giggling when they are uncomfortable. This is not as sensible as firmly explaining to the offensive persons that the obnoxious behaviors are being very distasteful, or even as sensible as smacking the offensive persons very sharply on the back of the head, but clearly Mlles. Heather and Jennifer are not having the self-possession that you are enjoying.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Exasperated, and possibly you are wishing to consider the sedatives for the friends before you are going to the classes.

Superheroes

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am an Extra-abled American, and I take exception to last week's column in which teenage boys made vulgar and graphic remarks about the romantic relationships of "superheroes." This kind of prurient speculation about people of other races and abilities is bigoted and offensive.

Extra-abled Americans are an oppressed race. We have to keep our true identities secret just to be able to live some semblance of a normal life. Super-villains taunt us and try to lure us into traps by terrorizing entire cities. Religious fundamentalists call us witches and demons and either try to convert us or take away our citizenship. Then we get hassled for having nerdy alter-egos and can't retaliate because our Extra-abled code of ethics forbids using our powers against those who are weaker than we are.

Please make it clear to your readers that making insulting speculations about Extra-abled Americans is not acceptable. We suffer enough discrimination without adding insult to injury.

The culprits in this case may be only teenage boys, but it is never too early to learn empathy and respect for the privacy of others.

Sincerely,

El Humongo

Cher M. Humongo,

You are bringing forward the very important points. In the current social climates, it is becoming very difficult for the white, male persons to be finding the safe topics for the vulgar, sexual remarks. It is not any longer being acceptable to be having the vulgar conversations about the females or the persons of the other races because everybody is being very offended. This is a very good thing for the females and the other racial persons, but it is unfortunately very stressful for the white, male persons who are wishing to have the frank and graphic conversations of the sexual nature in public.

However, the white, male persons are feeling comfortable to be making the offensive remarks about the persons who are having the special powers and abilities. This is because the young, male persons are not having any special powers or abilities themselves, so they are supposing that the persons with special powers are superior to themselves. They feel, very naturally, that the person who is able to leap over tall buildings and crush small locomotives is too powerful to be offended by the speculations about the sexual prowesses.

It is important for the young, male persons to remember that in addition to annoying sensible persons such as girls, they cannot be knowing whether any of the classmates are the superheroes who will be offended by the personal remarks and possibly retaliate by using the telekinetic powers to cause the "atomic wedgies" when the obnoxious persons are least expecting.

Bon Chance, M. Humongo, and if I am not being too bold to be suggesting that possibly you will be discouraging many of the excessively personal remarks if you are perhaps changing for yourself the name.

Dear Madame Toujours,

You have got to do something to help me before I starve to death. My wife Luanne has a big heart and a big family. The problem is her family seems to be always in the middle of some kind of crisis. If it isn't somebody is getting married or divorced or having triplets, then great aunt Muffin is dying. Great aunt Muffin is ninety-five. The family is always rushing to her deathbed in a panic, but as far as I can tell, she is healthy as a mule.

At every family crisis, Luanne goes into cooking overdrive. She produces a steady stream of cakes, casseroles and tuna salads for delivery to whatever household is in crisis this week. She is so busy, she doesn't have time to cook for me. I haven't had a home-cooked meal in three months, and the grocery bill is second only to the mortgage.

When I beg her to cook for me she accuses me of being selfish and hands me a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. What can I do to get some food?

Sincerely,

Famished

Cher M. Famished,

Clearly, you are being married to the nurturing Earth Mother type. This is the very desirable feature for the wife to be having. The difficulty which you are experiencing is that Mme. Luanne, she is being focused on the nurturing for the persons outside of the home. Possibly, the modern, feminist persons would be telling you to take the cooking classes and learn how you can be feeding yourself. This is the big foolishness. When are you having time to be using the kitchen when Mme. Luanne, she is cooking everything for everybody else?

The thing you must be remembering is that the marriage, it is being all about the compromises. Learn to take the advantage of the enormous, extended family. Have a crisis. Invent the sickly relative. Kill him in the lingering and gruesome fashion. Announce that you are prostrate with grief. Not only will the nurturing instincts of Mme. Luanne be aroused, but also her entire family will be coming to the doorstep with the tuna casseroles and the comfort foods. You may be able to eat for the month before you are having to come up with the new crisis.

But perhaps you are hoping for the more permanent solution to the problem. Insist to Mme. Luanne that you are urgently desiring to have the children, possibly twins, as soon as possible. Get right to work on the project. The children, they are the free ticket to the lifetime of nurturing. First, as soon as Mme. Luanne is announcing the happy news, you will be seeing the stream of food flowing to the front door. You will be needing the second freezer for the basement. Again, the birth is being celebrated with the food.

But this is only the beginning. Now, Mme. Luanne, she is having the small, helpless, adorable people to nurture right in her own home. Now there is no need for going out and fussing over everybody else. You will naturally benefit from having Mme. Luanne at home. Offer to look adoringly at the children while she is cooking the dinner. Possibly, you may have to offer to actually perform manual labor while she is cooking the dinner, but this is the small sacrifice, non?

Bon Chance, M. Famished. Possibly, if you were the small, helpless, adorable person, you would not be having this problem in the first place, n'est pas?