Psychic Child

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a single father. I was divorced three years ago when my wife Rhonda split for California to pursue her dream to become a phone psychic. Our eleven-year old daughter Hannah lives with me and limits her psychic career to the occasional palm reading. This had always been a reasonably harmless practice. Granted she once predicted one of her classmates would die from a horrible disease (the classmate actually did contract cooties), but mostly, Hannah sticks to the standard going-on-a-trip-to-Disneyland kind of predictions.

It was hard enough to deal with Hannah running up hundreds of dollars in phone bills by calling the Psychic Hotline to talk to her mother. Now I have started to date again, and Hannah has been terrifying my dates by foretelling their hideous dismemberings and hinting that their deaths will be at my hands. She is very convincing--painting her face white with greasepaint and holding a flashlight under her chin for that extra-spooky ambience.

I tried gently explaining that "Mommy" and I love her and each other, but we just can't live together and that Hannah has to stop foretelling doom for the women I go out with, but the gruesome predictions keep coming. Is this ADD? Is Hannah depressed? Is she heading for an adolescence of pierced eyebrows and black lipstick? How can I have a love-life without resorting to some kind of medication for my daughter?

Sincerely,

Lonely Dad

Cher M. Dad,

I am thinking that the problem, it is not that Mlle. Hannah is resenting the new girlfriends who are coming into your life. No, the problem, it is simply that she is missing Mme. Rhonda. This is the age when the little girl, she is needing the guidance of the mother. She is wondering if perhaps the boys, they are not simply the nose-picking dorks, if it is time for the shaving of the legs and what is the correct shade for the nail polishes, and is it really worth the trouble to paint the face to impress the nose-picking dorks or would she rather have a pony.

By all means, buy for her the pony. The pony, he is the extra few years of childhood for the little girls. He is interested in apples and sugar and running about. He is not impressed by the pierced noses, and he does not care if Mlle. is reading his hooves and predicting he will go to Disneyland.

As for the romance, what for are you wanting to have the romance with the fainthearted females who are frightened away by the little dismemberments? Encourage Mlle. Hannah to new heights of inventiveness. Laugh heartily at her theatrics. Suggest improvements to her routine. Try to date women who are liking to wear the black clothing and the dramatic makeup.

Bon Chance, M. Dad. When you find the woman who is not alarmed by the efforts of Mme. Hannah, you will have found for yourself the love-match.