Love and Armageddon

Dear Madame Toujours,

Here's the deal. I'm thinking of setting up one of my ex-boyfriends with a girl I know. They have lots in common. They're both kind of unpleasant people, and neither one of them has been successful in love before. I think this is because they both enjoy being superior to everybody else and then they are very cruel and contemptuous toward their inferiors. They are both extremely angry about the environment. They both like to talk about how the human race is a disease infecting our mother earth. It seems like a match made in heaven.

I'm a little worried, though. Maybe just because they have a lot in common isn't good enough to make a good match. I mean, maybe I introduce them and they just hate each other. Nothing lost. But what if they hit it off? The two of them could go on a kind of rampage like Bonny and Clyde meet the Unibomber. Would it be better to try to match them up with people who will balance them out, like a nice, fundamentalist conservative republican?

I'd like to spread a little love and happiness, but what if I cause World War three?

Sincerely,

Don't Want to be Responsible for Armageddon

Chere Mlle. Armageddon,

Bien, you are seeing now the uniquely delicate and important role of the matchmaker dans les affairs du monde. Without the Machiavellian efforts of persons such as myself, the world is being ended many times before now.

I applaud for you the generous impulses to help the unpleasant friends. Also, I am agreeing with you that the concerns, they are valid. Possibly, your two acquaintances will turn their superiority upon the world and unleash the destructions. There is being no gain without the risk, n'est pas?

The possibilities of the benefits in this case are much outweighing the disadvantages. For example, perhaps your friends are indeed falling in love. Vive l'amour. This is the wonderful thing you are doing for the friends.

Also, there are the advantages for the rest of the world. L'amour, she is being the big confusion for them because they are having the love, but they are also wanting to be superior and cruel to each other. Quelle dilemma. It will be taking them many years to work out the compromises. This is keeping them busy so that they are no longer interfering with all the hardworking types who are trying to save the furry, little endangered ozones in the rain forests.

If you are the very skilled matchmaker, they are having the stormy relationship with many arguments and breaking ups. They will be coming to you every time they are having the little disagreement. You will feel that they blame you. They do. This is the price you are paying to be one of the most powerful persons in the world--the matchmaker. La monde, she is resting on your shoulders.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Armageddon. If you are subtle, you can be coaxing your friends back together over and over. Consider this the public service.