Married Woman Still too Attractive

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a woman in my fifties, still attractive, but not exactly Raquel Welsh, if you know what I mean. The problem is that I am often annoyed by strange men who follow me home, sidle up to me in sandwich shops and sit too close to me on the bus. They insist on telling me about their wives who don't understand them and explaining how they would get divorced except that either the wife is terminally ill, or he's waiting for his kids to go away to college. I have heard so many variations on the same two or three stories, I could recite them line for line.

I have tried several ways to discourage these fellows. I've tried gushing about my terrific husband, bragging about my terrific grandchildren and reflecting the light from my wedding ring in their eyes in the hope of blinding them long enough for me to make my escape. None of these schemes has been effective. I've even tried telling them that although I am flattered, I am not available. The guy I tried that on got all jocular and insisted I had misunderstood and invited me up to his hotel room where he could explain himself more comfortably. What do you recommend?

Sincerely,

Harassed

Chere Mme. Harassed,

Very flattering, non, that you are still the siren after the many years? But it is being the very big nuisance, too. Unfortunately, in this day and age, it is being considered not the politeness to be sticking the too-friendly fellows with the sharp implements. Now even the pepper spray, it is being considered the cruel and unusual treatments.

However, you are not being entirely defenseless. You are having many weapons which are not yet being licensed by the governmental types. For example, perhaps you are asking the very affectionate gentleman to look very discretely around the room. Is he seeing the large, hairy person in the leather clothing? Non? Good. You are fearful that your extremely jealous husband Phlem who has been released from prison is finding you. Ask the gentleman if he is knowing how to handle himself in the fight with the knives.

If your acting is very talented, then usually, M. Phlem, he is being enough to discourage the hopeful paramour. However, perhaps you are not successful in convincing him of the danger. Then is necessary for you to be using the big guns.

Say, "Bien sur, perhaps you will be purchasing for me the drink because I am having the female troubles. It is being like the biblical flood with the clots." Converse in this vein for several minutes. Use the word clots very frequently. Soon, your new friend will be turning the delicate green shade and hurrying to the restroom so that you can be making your escape.

Bon Chance, Mme. Hassled, and be cautious in the use of the heavy artillery so that the innocent bystanders, they are not being injured in the crossfire.