Heads of State

From the staff at Madame Toujours' Matters of the Heart, Here is an older letter received by the great lady some years ago while she was in ... well she doesn't go into exactly what she was doing or who she was doing it to and we're pretty sure our offices are bugged, so we're trying to keep our heads down and our mouths shut, but we feel this piece makes for a timely reprint.

Bon Chance, dear readers.

Dear Madame Toujours

I know you may think I'm whinin' about an area about which many girls would be real grateful, but oh my gosh I'm just so tired out! My husband George is constantly wantin' to do the, well you know, wantin' to, well let's just say somethin' has got into him about his need to drop the bombs on this little country, and ever since he really started goin' on and on about that, he's been on me (and I mean that literally, darlin') every minute of every day!

Oh my goodness, and my friend Lynne! She and Dick, well doesn't that name just say it all, honey? I mean they have positively disappeared, and I'm sure you know where! Into the bedroom! Any bedroom! Tell me, Madame Toujours, is there something about men and power that they just want to well, ahem, get it up all the time? Please help, I feel like I'm wearing out down there!

Not havin' fun,

Laura B.

Chere Mme. B.

Quelle domage! Eh bien, this is being very much too much of the good thing, non? It is true what you are saying. Always I am finding that les grande hommes, they are being exceedingly proud of the penis. Possibly now you are understanding what for Mme. Clinton was being so tolerant of M. le President with the young femmes. She was being only too grateful to have the little time for the pursuing of the interests for herself. You see that now M. Clinton is not being the leader of the enormous, powerful, throbbing country, Mme. Clinton, she is having plenty of time for the personal fulfillments.

But perhaps you are not ready to be personally selecting the team of oversexed young interns to entertain M. B while you are being busy with the projects for yourself. This, it is perfectly understandable. Perhaps you are not wishing to have all of the sex yourself, but you are not going to be letting M. B give it to anybody else!

This is the big problem because if you are not wanting the sex with the leader of the free world, then there is always being some cheap, trashy person who is wishing to brag to all her friends who will be leaking to the media that she is seducing M. le President.

"But Madame Toujours," you say, "I am desperate. What can I do?"

There is only the one thing that you can be doing; engineer the enormous scandal which will be shocking everybody so that they will not be wishing to vote for M. B in the next election. Here you can be learning from the mistakes of previous first ladies. It is no good to be making this the big scandal about the real estate or the illegal arms sales to the South American extremists or the funneling of the Social Security funds to the crazed anti-American fundamentalist Islamic regimes. Everybody is being used to this sort of thing. The American persons are feeling that if the president, he is not lying to them, then it is that he is not being the forceful person to run the country.

Perhaps you can be suggesting to the media that M. B, he is hiring the illegal immigrants for working at the Camp David. Quelle horreur. Possibly, he is importing the slave labor from the third-world countries for the ranch in Texas. Manufacture the proof that some of the illegal alien labor is being actually ALIEN. Tell all of the extremely religious persons that M. B is converting to Paganism because he is liking to worship the trees and the rocks and possibly also Lucifer. Tell the persons from the oil companies that he is committed to the conversion of everything to solar power. Tell the automobile manufacturers that he will be doubling their taxes unless all of the cars are running on seawater and completely repairing the ozone layer by the year 2006.

Now you are only having to endure until the elections are over in 2004.

Bon Chance Mme. B. Perhaps in the meantime you can be finding the inflatable, life-size, anatomically correct Monica Lewinski doll to distract M. B from time to time. Dress her provocatively and prop her in the oval office. Everybody will be very amused.