Teptation

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am concerned about the teenage son of my neighbor Meg. Young Jeffey is only sixteen. As you know, this is a very vulnerable age when young men are easily tempted to lust, and boys who are constantly bombarded by sexual sights may turn to drugs ...or worse, self-abuse. I'm sure Jeffey is a very nice boy, but I am worried because my neighbor has just hired a young woman to clean her house twice a week. I just happened to be looking out the window when this young person arrived, and I noticed she was wearing those legging things that don't hide a thing and a very skimpy shirt.

I mentioned to Meg that she ought to say something to the young woman about her attire, but Meg just said she was covered from her neck to her ankles and was a good housekeeper.

Madame Toujours, I'm sure this young woman just doesn't realize she is tempting young men to lust. Is there some polite way to take her aside and tell her to change the way she dresses? I don't like to stick my nose into other people's business, but someone has to think of the children!

Sincerely,

Concerned Citizen

Chere Mme. Citizen,

Bien sur, everybody must always be considering the children, but also it is important that everybody is considering the comfort of the domestic help. The children, they are everywhere, but the good help, she is hard to find, n'est pas?

Possibly you are thinking that the young person, she is wearing the stretchy knit clothings because she is the slut who is liking to expose for herself the figure. But you are not considering that perhaps she is not being the exhibitionist. Perhaps she is only liking to have the comfort.

Eh bien, moi, I am being too old to be wearing the cotton/lycra blends, but often, I am looking with envy at the young persons who are bending and flexing with the freedom and the comfort. There is not the binding, the chaffing. How nice to lunge and pirouette, to flit about upon the toes. The drudgery of the housework, it is almost the dance, non?

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "What is the comfort when it is the lusts and the sinnings that are tempting the young boys? It is being up to les femmes to be keeping the young men pure in the thoughts."

Bah. Everybody is always worrying that les femmes, they are going about and tempting the young boys. This is the big sillyness. The young boys, they are not needing anybody to be tempting them. They are being perfectly capable of tempting themselves. Myself, I am thinking it is better that les hommes are having plenty of the opportunities to be tempted by les femmes. At least now they are knowing what it is they are lusting about. If they are not noticing les femmes then possibly they are becoming confused and thinking that they are lusting about les sheep or les household appliances.

Bon Chance, Mme. Citizen, and I am highly recommending for you to try the flexible clothings. At least for the housework. After all, what you are wearing in the privacy of your own home, it is only for you to know.

Feminism

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am very hurt by the anti-feminist attitudes of all my friends. They have always gone on and on about women supporting each other and sticking up for each other and standing up to oppression. Then, out of the blue, they have all turned against me.

It started with Beverly telling Lacey about the night I got Lacey's husband drunk and seduced him. Suddenly, Lacey isn't speaking to me anymore. Then Lacey's husband told her Anne's husband told him about my six-month affair with him--which is just the kind of abuse and harassment I would expect from a man, but then can you believe Lacey actually told Anne, and the two of them told everyone else? I trusted these women and now half the women in the group won't talk to me anymore.

Please say a word about the importance of women sticking together.

Sincerely,

Disappointed Feminist

Chere Mlle. Disappointed,

Possibly, you are experiencing the very common confusion about the feminisms. Once upon the time long, long ago, the feminism was being about the equal rights with the voting and the careers. However, ever since the female American persons were learning to vote and to have the amusing careers, they have been looking for new reasons to be resentful and dissatisfied.

At first, they were feeling resentful about the actual injustice such as having less money and not enough birth-control and not being encouraged to learn math. Soon, however, the feminist persons were realizing that they were not really feeling very oppressed about these issues, and they began to be afraid they would have to become self-actualized.

Fortunately, somebody--possibly Betty Freidan--discovered they could avoid becoming self-actualized by blaming men for everything. Everybody agreed this was a very good idea. Soon everybody was blaming the masculine persons for everything from the wars to the athlete's feet.

Now, clearly, you are thinking of the new kind of feminism in which, if the female persons are wishing to be extremely selfish and indifferent to other people, they can be saying, "But why should I not have the sex with your husband? After all, I am the feminist," or, "How are you daring to ask me to be calling you on the telephone if I am going to be three hours late for dinner? You are the big, hairy abuser," or possibly, "I will use your sperm to get a baby and then I will take it away and force you to give me all your money so that I am not needing to have the useful work and became self-actualized."

This is not even having to be fair. Fairness is being based on the logic, and logic is masculine, and everything masculine is evil. Now it is being a virtue to be completely irrational and insensitive and to demand that everybody is doing everything that you are wanting.

Bon chance, Mlle. Disappointed, clearly your friends are having the petty and unreasonable attachment to the other kind of feminism in which nobody is betraying anybody and stealing their husbands.

The Big Dripper

Dear Madame Toujours,

My wife and I have been having an argument ever since we were married ten years ago. The subject is a little personal and embarrassing, so bear with me. The thing is, Bev complains that I … er … frequently miss. In the, you know, bathroom. First of all, I categorically deny that this is the case. Bev points to some yellowish stains, but that could be anything. Maybe the dog drools when he finishes drinking out of the bowl; I don't know, but it isn't me. Now Bev is threatening that the next time she sees a stain, she will make me clean it up, and the next time she steps in the evidence, she will make me clean the entire bathroom. She says if it still continues, she will make me sit down when I … you know.

There is only so much a man can take. Bev is robbing me of my masculinity, and if she keeps it up, I am going to have to walk.

Sincerely,

The Big Dripper

Cher M. Dripper,

C'est vrais, the masculinity, he is in the crisis. However, this is not the fault of Mme. Bev. Stop with the silly excuses about the dog and the threatenings to run away from the marriage and face for yourself the problem. The unfortunate drippings and sprinklings, they are the signs of the lack of control, of finesse and discipline. This is not the big manliness unless you are trying to mark for yourself the territory. Mostly, the wives, they are not liking this because they prefer to be marking the territories by cleaning them, and she knows that you are knowing perfectly well that the bathroom, it is her territory and you are having no business to be marking it.

What you must be doing is to take charge of the masculinity. Every man can be learning the dexterity if he is having the little practice. The next time you are feeling the pressure to answer Madame le Nature, simply go outside and practice with writing the name in the snow.

"But Madame Toujours," you are saying, "I am living in the temperate climate. Does this mean that I am doomed to the unmanly staining of the porcelain?"

Not at all. Many of the men are preferring to arrange the convenient sandbox outside the home. The most important consideration is that it is large enough for the early, unskilled efforts. In the emergency, the paved driveway or even the street outside the home is making the excellent surface for the practice. The only drawback is the dripping which is sometimes spoiling the effect.

When you are becoming very proficient with the writing of the name, you can expand the efforts to the simple images. With practice, you may even be graduating to the imitations of the great masters.

Bon Chance, M. Dripper. I am recommending that you are not attempting the fancy tricks such as, "Regardez, Maman, no hands," until you are becoming extremely proficient.

Am I Too Nice?

Dear Madame Toujours,

All my life I have been told by my mother, my Sunday school teachers, and my Barbie dolls that nobody will love me unless I am nice. There's that whole "forgive your enemies" thing to start with. Then there's that stuff about sugar and spice. And then just in case I didn't get the point, along comes herpes. Suddenly, it isn't even safe to get wild and reckless on Friday nights.

So I have gone through thirty years of being nice, and so far as I can see, it has netted me exactly nothing. Guys dump me after a couple weeks of walking all over me. I haven't had a raise at work in ten years even though I'm always the one offering to do the little extras that keep the office running.

I look around and see plenty of women who are outright tin-plated bitches, and even though they are horrible people that I wouldn't allow in my rowboat if this were the biblical flood, they seem to get everything they want in life (actually, I would let them in my rowboat even though I would be miserable about it the whole time because, doggone it, I am nice).

Look, I'm not in it for the rewards. I don't expect to get rewards for being nice. I know that's not the point, but can't I be nice without feeling like a marshmallow?

Sincerely,

Too Nice

Chere Mlle. Nice,

Oui, you are noticing the important truth about la chienne. The bitch, she is having the forcefulness to be insisting to get what she is wanting, and everybody else, they can be going to the dogs for all she is caring about.

Unfortunately, as you are noticing, this is the very distasteful person. This is the person who is always lording herself over the persons who are weaker and taking the advantages of them. Eh bien, she is always making everybody miserable, and complaining about how she is never getting what she is deserving. Usually, she is supposing that she is deserving to be admired and respected and to have many nice things.

However, you are not being doomed to crawl around like the cringing lapdog for the rest of the life. The goal for you, it is to transcend both the nice girl and the bitch and become La Chienne Superieure. The alpha bitch, she is the strong one. She is the one who is guiding everybody and teaching the little puppies and defending them from the bears and the tigers. She is not the selfish one who is only wanting to be admired and feared and to have all of the tasty rabbits and field mice to eat. She is ferocious for the benefits of the pack.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Nice. I am thinking you will find that when it is not for yourself but for the helpless ones who are not protecting themselves, you will be finding that the inner Chienne Superieure, she is waiting just under the skin.

Bossy Boyfriend

Dear Madame Toujours,

My legs were paralyzed in a car accident when I was a child, and I never thought I would ever meet a man who could love me. Then I met Neil, and it was like a miracle. We fell in love and moved in together. Neil always knows how everything should be done. It makes me feel safe to know my life is such good hands. I had no idea there were so many things I was doing wrong!

The problem is my best friend since second grade, LeighAnn. She lives in the same apartment building as Neil and me, and Neil has been really great about helping and supporting her.

If LeighAnn would just take Neil's advice, they would get along fine, but she is too stuborn. She insists on going to her book club sweeping her floor from left to right, doing her shopping in the morning and leaving her dinner dishes to wash after breakfast.

Neil is just trying to help, but LeighAnn won't speak to him any more, so he had to start calling her family and her boss at work whenever she does something the wrong way. He had to call so often, LeighAnn's boss has threatened to fire her if she doesn't make Neil stop. I told her Neil would stop if she would just do things the way says. LeighAnn said she can't see me anymore unless I break up with Neil.

I don't think this is fair. If she really cared about me, she would try to get along with Neil. Neil says LeighAnn and I were never really friends, so I guess I was wrong to think we were.

Sincerely,

Torn

Chere Mlle. Torn,

Clearly you are forgetting the very important rule about never having the romance for the persons that your friends are not liking.

Eh bien, if you are wishing to be keeping the friends, you must learn to be keeping M. Neil too busy to be annoying them. This is being very simple. You must be making the big point to never do anything the way M. Neil is telling you. There is no point to be trying to do everything the way M. Neil is telling you anyway. Every time you are learning to do everything the way he is liking, he is saying you are stupid to be doing it that way and you should be doing it differently.

Possibly this not providing enough of the entertainments to keep M. Neil completely away from the friends. In this case, you should pretend to be more helpless and inadequate than he already thinks you are. You are knowing you are successful when M. Neil is making the exasperated sound and insisting that if you are not being able to brush for yourself the teeth, he will have to be doing it for you.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Torn. In the little time, M. Neil will be too happy controlling everything about your life to be annoying for you the friends.

Be the Pack Leader

Dear Madame Toujours,

I hope you can help me with a problem in my marriage. I have been married to Freddie for twelve years. The trouble is that when we first met, our relationship was predicated on the assumption that I was a flake and Freddie was the competent one. He could point out my faults and mistakes and make little jokes about my inadequacies, and I didn't mind because I knew he loved me in spite of these things.

We got along fine until I fell in love with a teeny little dustmop of a puppy I saw in a cardboard box outside a pet store. Freddie gently told me that I was too forgetful and disorganized to take care of a puppy. I was too in love with little Pippi to let her go, so I set out to learn everything I could find about raising a puppy.

In the process, I learned about being the pack leader and about having calm, assertive energy so that little Pippi would feel secure and confident.

As I practiced being calm and assertive, I got promoted to manager of the homeless shelter where I worked. I also made several good friends at the dog park and the puppy obedience classes, and I started to feel that Freddie wasn't always right when he pointed out my mistakes. I started calmly and assertively telling Freddy that I am a competent person, and I want to be treated with respect. Freddy is becoming more and more frustrated with this--accusing me of being a know-it-all and thinking I am queen of the world.

Can I somehow salvage my marriage without turning back into a doormat?

Sincerely,

Alpha Bitch

Chere Mme. Alpha,

Oui, this is being tres difficile for M. Freddy. Unfortunately, unlike the sensible persons such as Mlle. Pippi, M. Freddy is having the slow time to learn the new habits.

Many of the modern psychological persons will be telling you to have the honest, open conversations about the feelings. This is the big nonsense. This is only the opportunity for M. Freddy to tell you honestly and openly the many ways that you are inadequate. This is being very tedious and tiresome for you.

The only way to be putting M. Freddy firmly in his proper place is to be crushing him firmly beneath the heels. Explain to him that he is the pitiful, crawling worm who is not worthy to lick for you the toes. Then graciously permit him to lick the toes.

Possibly, you are thinking this is unnecessarily harsh. Non. M. Freddy, he is the fellow who is needing to feel that there is the very strong leadership. He is being only free to treat you as the competent person if he is having the confidence that you are the remorseless dictator who is permitting no arguments.

Bon Chance, Mme. Alpha, and be careful if it is necessary to be the despot, that you are at least the very benevolent one.

Putting the Pressure On

Dear Madame Toujours,

You've got to help me. I'm so tired of the pressure. I'm a man in my mid-forties, been married to my wife Beth for fifteen years. When I was young, I was pretty much an insatiable sexual beast, but in the last few years, I've lost that feeling, and I have to say it's a relief.

The problem is my wife Beth. Lately she's been insatiable. She's been pressuring me to do something about my ...er... energy level. At first it was just nagging, then she started spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and makeup. I told her she didn't need all that to be beautiful to me, but she didn't seem very pleased. Now she's gone completely bonkers. She's totally redecorating the house which would be fine except we may go bankrupt, and she's turning the house into a fifteenth-century pirate ship--tearing out all the windows and replacing them with portholes etc. She's even bought an old cannon and put it in the living-room. Is this menopause? Should she be taking hormone replacement? What can I do to save my house?

Sincerely,

Under Pressure

Cher M. Pressure,

Now you are seeing the consequence of being the neglectful husband. Mme. Beth, she is the vital, creative woman in the prime of her life who is craving the passion and the excitement. If she is not having it with the husband, then she is having what the freudian psychological persons are calling the sublimations. This is where she is expressing all the creative energies with the arts and the crafts.

Now possibly you are remembering when you were the child and you were begging the Maman and Papa for the puppy, and they were telling you that if you were having the puppy, you were responsible for taking care of it. If you were the responsible child, you were having the faithful, devoted companion who was adoring you beyond sense and reason. If you were the careless child, your mother was having the faithful, devoted companion and so forth.

What you are now deciding is whether you are wishing to be the responsible husband or the careless type. If you are the responsible husband, this is being very easy. Dress yourself as M. Captain Jack Swallow, saunter aboard your ship and accost Mme. Beth with lustful passions. Oui, this is the tiresome chore--much like walking the energetic, little puppy.

Possibly you are thinking it is being easier to be the careless husband. Eh bien, simply hire for the wife the young, attractive carpenter with the loose morals and the many manly hormones. If Mme. is having the sexual frustrations, she will be succumbing to his advances before she is knowing what she is doing. Now Mme. Beth is having the expression for the creative passions, and you are enjoying the peaceful evenings alone with the television.

Bon Chance, M. Pressure, and you may wish to be sure that M. Le handsome, young Carpenter is having all his shots. Now this is like the responsibility for having two puppies. The work, she is never ending, n'est pas?