Casting Your Vote

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am really struggling with my choice for the democratic candidate for president, and I think you are probably the only possible person who could help me with my choice.

Here's my difficulty: Barak Obama is a charming, personable man with many fine qualities, and I agree with many of his positions, and he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The thing is, I really believe our country needs a strong man to lead us out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into, and I just can't help feeling that Hillary is that man. I mean, she's got a plan, she's organized, she's tough and compassionate, she's a staunch Methodist, and she's got loads of experience.

On the other hand, she's also got Bill. I mean, he's a charming man, but do we really want him roaming around the country getting up to who knows what mischief? I mean some of things he's been saying on the TV! Poor Hillary. Still, can't she keep him on a leash, and if she can't manage her husband, can she really manage an entire country?

And by the way, what is this business where people call her "Hillary?" When her husband was campaigning, everybody referred to him as "Clinton." Is this some kind of discrimination? Are people not taking her seriously because she's a woman? Does this mean she is weak? And how long before we can elect Chelsea--I mean Ms. Clinton Jr.?

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Chere Mme. Perplexed,

Oui, c'est tres difficile the important decisions for the running of the country. Who to be voting for, what to be voting for, whether the husband of Mme. President is an ornament to the nation.

Moi, I cannot be making for you the important personal political decisions, but possibly, I can be helping for you to clarify the crucial issues.

Bien sur, the sensible females are always being attracted to the gentle fellows with the warmth and the compassions. You can be marrying him with the impugnities. Possibly, he is the excellent candidate to be the warm and compassionate husband for the nation.

However, possibly, you are having the correctness to be wishing for the strong female type who is whipping the nation into shape. Naturally, you are looking at the husband for the example of the competence of the wife.

However, I am suggesting that you are glancing across the living room at the husband who is sitting in the La-z-boy with the "Cheetos" crumbs on the facial whiskers and the beer propped on the belly. Now look at the husband of Mme. Clinton. Suddenly, Mme. Clinton, she is looking very competent, n'est pas? Nobody is controlling the husband. He is mostly the undomesticated animal who is making you proud if he is not scratching himself lewdly in the public venues.

Bon Chance, Mme. Perplexed, and as for the question of the correct address for Mme. Clinton, yes, it is the cultural practice to be addressing the female types very often by the given names. This is the expression of the charm and warmth, and nobody is much caring as long as they are addressing her as Madame PRESIDENT Hillary.

Bossed Around

Dear Madame Toujours,

I have been married to my husband Royce for fifteen years. For seven of those, he has been the handsome, charismatic CEO of a high-powered international marketing company. All day long, he jets from one end of the Earth to the other having people fetch and carry for him and call him "Sir" and "Boss". He's gone for weeks at a time. Then he comes home and he seems to think he's still at work.

He acts like he's completely helpless, like he never learned how to fix a garbage disposal or carry out a bag of garbage, like he thinks he ought to be able to snap his fingers and have half a dozen lackeys appear out of nowhere to help his kids with their homework. He barks orders like the kids and I are his personal staff. It's exhausting, and irritating, and I'd like to smack him upside his fat head.

I've tried to talk to him with all that "I-statement" therapy-talk crapadoodle, but he claims he just doesn't have the least idea what I'm talking about. I'd have divorced him (or whacked him senseless with a blunt object) years ago, but he does a lot of very important work, and I've got this irrational attachment to the big jerk. Plus, the kids would miss him.

Is there some way to get through to him so that I can enjoy my husband and the kids can get to know their father?

Sincerely,

Tired of Being Bossed Around

Chere Mme. Bossed,

Quelle domage that M. le Boss, he is having the tiresome habits. However, I am always observing that the compromise, it is being the very important tool of the marriages. Clearly, M. le Boss, he is feeling much more of the comforts when he is the familiar environment of the successful business. Fortunately, M. le Boss is not being at home all of the times. It should not be the terrible burden to be making the small adjustments.

Purchase for yourself and the children the useful businesslike accouterments. If the children are of a suitable age, they will wish to have the "blackberry" thingies that everybody is using for the businesses. Learn to employ the fancy, modern terminologies such as, "Here, now I am textilating to you about the conference with the CEO of the children's educational work-group because little Jeffy is possibly being downsized from his position in the fourth-grade." Suggest that some personal mentoring from the boss would improve the productivity of M. Jeffy.

Learn to carry a clipboard and a notebook. Pretend to take notes of everything he says. The next day, you can read back the "minutes" of the meeting. Tell him he has on his schedule for five-thirty an important meeting at the curb with the "Head trash receptacle."

Offer to sleep your way to the top. The power, she is the aphrodisiac, non?

Bon chance, Mme. Tired, and if M. le Boss, he is making the life more complicated, you can be insisting that he provide you with an "executive assistant" to "facilitize" your "management strategy."

Home Decorating

Dear Madame Toujours,

I need to consult with you on a matter of interior decorating. My daughter Elsbeth is a brilliant, beautiful, woman, a model of efficiency, gentle and generous and generally delightful. She and her husband Corin recently decided to remodel their house and my friend Ginny recommended a contractor.

About a month into the remodel, Ginny called me in a tizzy to report that Alvin the contractor had called her and told her that he couldn't work with Elsbeth and she was going over budget on the remodel and would go bankrupt and he, Alvin, was afraid Elsbeth wouldn't be able to pay him.

I, of course, told Ginny it was nonsense and forgot all about it. Soon after, I got a call from Alvin. He told me I had to do something about Elsbeth because she was completely out of control. I told him he should talk to Elsbeth about it, but he said he couldn't talk to her. She wouldn't listen to him, and the house was turning into a disaster. I told him I was sure he was exaggerating, but I would talk to Elsbeth and see what was going on.

When I went to Elsbeth's house to see the remodel--which was charming, by the way--Elsbeth was livid. The moment I arrived, she lit into me, telling me I had no right to talk about her behind her back and spread rumors about her. She actually cried. She said she couldn't believe I would betray her that way. Bewildered, I asked her what she was talking about. She told me not to lie to her: Alvin had told her everything I had been telling him behind her back.

Now Elsbeth isn't speaking to me or to Ginny who, it seems, has been tarred with the same brush although Alvin still calls her and tells her everything that Elsbeth is doing wrong, and since Elsbeth is angry at her, Ginny has started to believe these things, and I can't convince her Alvin is the one really causing trouble.

My question for you is: When you have hunted your contractor through the city streets, torn him to pieces like the maenads of Greek mythology and hung his testicles by your front door as a tasteful bell-pull, how do you deal with the problem of odor and decay?

Sincerely,

Vengeful Mom

Chere Mme. Vengeful,

You are observing the very unfortunate issue that is troubling the beleaguered homeowners throughout the centuries. In the old days, when the contractor persons were behaving in the excessively difficult fashion, the homeowners were tastefully mounting the heads on the pikes in the front of the castle. M. Vlad the Impaller had the terrible troubles with the general contracting type persons. Eventually, however, the carcasses and so forth were decaying and causing the hazards to the public health.

Bon Chance Mme. Vengeful, and fortunately, the modern technologies are presenting the solutions. The trophies removed from the undesirable persons can be inexpensively and conveniently bronzed before being hung proudly beside the front door.

Classroom Creeps

Dear Madame Toujours,

What do you do about creepy guys who act like jerks? The reason I ask is because of Leon, this guy in my history class. The other day, I had finished my history assignment, so I was reading a book on these anomalous genetic thingies in dragonfly nymphs which was really interesting because of...well, anyway, Leon leans over and asks me what I'm reading, so I tell him it's a book on dragonfly nymphs, and he says, "You're reading about nymphos?" like nymphomania, which is a sexual disorder, which is a really dumb joke, and I say, "Baby dragonflies are called nymphs," and he says really loud to all his stupid, druggie friends, "Hey, Annabelle's reading about nymphos. I bet she's into lesbians. Hey, have any of you guys ever had sex with Annabelle? She just lays there..." anyway, he went on and on about all this really gross stuff which he was totally making up because he's totally greasy, and I wouldn't ever do anything with him even if he was the last guy on Earth and it was the last chance for the human race, and I'm not sure he really counts as a human anyway.

I figured nobody believed him anyway because everybody knows boys lie about sex, so I tried to go back to reading my book, but he was totally loud, and everybody in the room could hear him, but the teacher didn't do anything, just acted like it was totally nothing, so I reached down into my purse and pulled out my rape horn which is an air pump thing that makes a really loud noise, and I jerked it up right in his face and squeezed the trigger thing.

Well, he had to go to the nurse to stop the bleeding from his ears, and I guess he had a thirty percent hearing loss in his left ear which he totally deserved, and some of the other girls in the class fainted, and I think maybe the teacher wet himself, he was so startled, and I got suspended, and my rape horn was confiscated, which I don't think is fair. What do you think I should have done?

Sincerely,

Just Defending Myself

Chere Mlle. Defending,

Quelle domage, why is it being that the modern persons are having the big squeamishness about the little injures to the male persons who are behaving extremely badly toward the female persons? Eh bien, since it is being socially unacceptable to cause the maimings, you must be employing the subversive tactics. The biggest mistake that everybody is making about the sexual harassments is that they are being very polite and not wanting to bother anybody with the embarrassments. This is the big foolishness. If M. Leon is bothering you, then it is only being fair that the teachers and the principals and the school-boards are enjoying the remarks of M. Leon as much as you.

The correct thing is to raise your hand in the classroom and say very loudly and clearly, "M. le Teacher, will you please be making the distasteful person to stop disrupting my studies with his sexual harassments?"

Possibly M. le Teacher will be accusing you of causing the disruptions in the classroom. Apologize very sincerely for the unfortunate disruptiveness. Then do it again each time M. Leon is making the offensively personal remarks to you. This will not discourage M. Leon, but it will annoy the teachers who will send you to the principals who will be annoyed and try to tell you to be more tolerant of the male persons. This is all right. I am sure the reporters from the local news agencies will be very interested in M. Leon and his remarks.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Defending, and if the teachers and principals and school-boards are not liking for you to be disrupting the classrooms, they can be taking the responsibility to make M. Leon close for himself the mouth.

Classroom Cutups

Dear Madame Toujours,

I read your last column, and I think I might have been sexually harassed last week in my tenth grade trigonometry class. See, I was sitting with my friends Heather and Jennifer. We were starting our homework so we could get done early and go to the mall after school.

Ernie Codswallop and Court Plumber were sitting in the next row talking about superheroes. They are kind of nerds, and they are always talking about something boring like that and trying to get Heather and Jennifer and me to talk about boring stuff, too. I don't want to be rude and hurt their feelings, so I mostly pretend I don't hear them which would be rude and mean if it were anybody else, but Ernie and Court seem to think it means I really like them a lot. Maybe because the popular kids are really mean to them, so being ignored actually seems nice.

The thing is, they got to talking about superheroes and, you know, sex, and how different superheroes...well, it was kind of gross, and it made me feel uncomfortable, and Jennifer and Heather were giggling which just encouraged them, and I kept kicking Heather under her chair and whispering for her to stop encouraging them, but she kept giggling only she had this kind of desperate look in her eyes like a rabbit in the headlights of a car.

Ernie and Court kept trying to get my attention, but I just kept ignoring them and taking deep breaths so I wouldn't blush so much.

Is this sexual harassment, and what should I have done about it?

Sincerely,

Exasperated

Chere Mlle. Exasperated,

Possibly, Mssrs. Ernie and Court are only being the big nerds and thinking that everybody is being very amused by the talking about the superheroes.

The correct thing is to say gently, "Mssrs., that is being the very distasteful subject, and I am trying to do the homeworks." If they are only the big nerds, they will make the few jokes to save the faces, and then they will desist in the obnoxiousness. If they are continuing with the offensiveness, then they are the big, obnoxious jerks, and you may be referring to the previous column for the correct procedures.

You are correct to observe that the unfortunate giggling of the friends is encouraging the nerd persons to continue with the distasteful remarks. However, this is possibly not to mean they are enjoying the talking about the sexual habits of the superheroes. Very many times, the young female persons, they are having the giggling when they are uncomfortable. This is not as sensible as firmly explaining to the offensive persons that the obnoxious behaviors are being very distasteful, or even as sensible as smacking the offensive persons very sharply on the back of the head, but clearly Mlles. Heather and Jennifer are not having the self-possession that you are enjoying.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Exasperated, and possibly you are wishing to consider the sedatives for the friends before you are going to the classes.

Superheroes

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am an Extra-abled American, and I take exception to last week's column in which teenage boys made vulgar and graphic remarks about the romantic relationships of "superheroes." This kind of prurient speculation about people of other races and abilities is bigoted and offensive.

Extra-abled Americans are an oppressed race. We have to keep our true identities secret just to be able to live some semblance of a normal life. Super-villains taunt us and try to lure us into traps by terrorizing entire cities. Religious fundamentalists call us witches and demons and either try to convert us or take away our citizenship. Then we get hassled for having nerdy alter-egos and can't retaliate because our Extra-abled code of ethics forbids using our powers against those who are weaker than we are.

Please make it clear to your readers that making insulting speculations about Extra-abled Americans is not acceptable. We suffer enough discrimination without adding insult to injury.

The culprits in this case may be only teenage boys, but it is never too early to learn empathy and respect for the privacy of others.

Sincerely,

El Humongo

Cher M. Humongo,

You are bringing forward the very important points. In the current social climates, it is becoming very difficult for the white, male persons to be finding the safe topics for the vulgar, sexual remarks. It is not any longer being acceptable to be having the vulgar conversations about the females or the persons of the other races because everybody is being very offended. This is a very good thing for the females and the other racial persons, but it is unfortunately very stressful for the white, male persons who are wishing to have the frank and graphic conversations of the sexual nature in public.

However, the white, male persons are feeling comfortable to be making the offensive remarks about the persons who are having the special powers and abilities. This is because the young, male persons are not having any special powers or abilities themselves, so they are supposing that the persons with special powers are superior to themselves. They feel, very naturally, that the person who is able to leap over tall buildings and crush small locomotives is too powerful to be offended by the speculations about the sexual prowesses.

It is important for the young, male persons to remember that in addition to annoying sensible persons such as girls, they cannot be knowing whether any of the classmates are the superheroes who will be offended by the personal remarks and possibly retaliate by using the telekinetic powers to cause the "atomic wedgies" when the obnoxious persons are least expecting.

Bon Chance, M. Humongo, and if I am not being too bold to be suggesting that possibly you will be discouraging many of the excessively personal remarks if you are perhaps changing for yourself the name.

Dear Madame Toujours,

You have got to do something to help me before I starve to death. My wife Luanne has a big heart and a big family. The problem is her family seems to be always in the middle of some kind of crisis. If it isn't somebody is getting married or divorced or having triplets, then great aunt Muffin is dying. Great aunt Muffin is ninety-five. The family is always rushing to her deathbed in a panic, but as far as I can tell, she is healthy as a mule.

At every family crisis, Luanne goes into cooking overdrive. She produces a steady stream of cakes, casseroles and tuna salads for delivery to whatever household is in crisis this week. She is so busy, she doesn't have time to cook for me. I haven't had a home-cooked meal in three months, and the grocery bill is second only to the mortgage.

When I beg her to cook for me she accuses me of being selfish and hands me a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. What can I do to get some food?

Sincerely,

Famished

Cher M. Famished,

Clearly, you are being married to the nurturing Earth Mother type. This is the very desirable feature for the wife to be having. The difficulty which you are experiencing is that Mme. Luanne, she is being focused on the nurturing for the persons outside of the home. Possibly, the modern, feminist persons would be telling you to take the cooking classes and learn how you can be feeding yourself. This is the big foolishness. When are you having time to be using the kitchen when Mme. Luanne, she is cooking everything for everybody else?

The thing you must be remembering is that the marriage, it is being all about the compromises. Learn to take the advantage of the enormous, extended family. Have a crisis. Invent the sickly relative. Kill him in the lingering and gruesome fashion. Announce that you are prostrate with grief. Not only will the nurturing instincts of Mme. Luanne be aroused, but also her entire family will be coming to the doorstep with the tuna casseroles and the comfort foods. You may be able to eat for the month before you are having to come up with the new crisis.

But perhaps you are hoping for the more permanent solution to the problem. Insist to Mme. Luanne that you are urgently desiring to have the children, possibly twins, as soon as possible. Get right to work on the project. The children, they are the free ticket to the lifetime of nurturing. First, as soon as Mme. Luanne is announcing the happy news, you will be seeing the stream of food flowing to the front door. You will be needing the second freezer for the basement. Again, the birth is being celebrated with the food.

But this is only the beginning. Now, Mme. Luanne, she is having the small, helpless, adorable people to nurture right in her own home. Now there is no need for going out and fussing over everybody else. You will naturally benefit from having Mme. Luanne at home. Offer to look adoringly at the children while she is cooking the dinner. Possibly, you may have to offer to actually perform manual labor while she is cooking the dinner, but this is the small sacrifice, non?

Bon Chance, M. Famished. Possibly, if you were the small, helpless, adorable person, you would not be having this problem in the first place, n'est pas?