Male Pattern Hair Loss

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a thirty-year-old male, average height, average build, good teeth, good job. I am fairly successful with women, but I have this problem: I am losing my hair. This bugs me a lot. I feel so helpless, and kind of emasculated. I am sure that women laugh at me behind my back, and my co-workers don't respect me the way I want them to.

What should I do? Can I get a good toupee at a reasonable price? Should I join the Hair Club for Men? I am desperate for advice.

Sign me,
"Hairy Problem"

Cher M. Problem,
Quelle horreur! Losing your hair? Ce n'est pas possible! This you call a problem? No. The nuclear war, this is a problem. The starving little children, this is a problem. The little puppies and the kitties running wild and hungry in the streets, this is a problem. But losing your hair, this is a sign of maturity, of virility, of testosterone. Je ne comprende pas why the men, they wish to have so much the hair.

The women, you see, they do not count the hairs on a man's head. They do not measure the forehead with the ruler. The women, they like the older men because the older men are wiser, more skilled, more experienced, richer. So, when the women see your head, they imagine that you have these qualities of the older man, and they are titillated. They want to know more. They want to know you better. Me, I think often and warmly of running my hands over the shining dome of the mature man.

As for the men at your office, you think they respect the hair? Bah! You must earn their respect. Ask your lady friends to meet you at your office before you go out dining and dancing. Meet them for lunch in the cafes where your co-workers will be seeing you. Wear clothes that have the style. Speak with the confidence. Cultivate the firm handshake, the steady gaze.

Oui, the men, they will notice the hair, but they will not be thinking, “Ha, look at Hairy, he is losing the hair. What a chump." No, they will be saying among themselves, "So I am not so successful with women as Hairy. So, I have not the authority, the virility, the handshake. At least I have my hair." Me, I think this will be the cold comfort.

Bon Chance, M. Problem, and do not take the hair so seriously.