The Kiss

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am getting married in two weeks to my boyfriend Elwood. I have been planning this wedding for two years. I had to quit job as a teller at the bank three months ago because the wedding was taking up so much of my time, and you wouldn't believe how expensive everything is, although I am saving almost five-hundred dollars on flowers by buying a vacant lot and planting a flower garden in it.

Anyway, I thought I had everything under control until my aunt Gerta asked me, "Now honey, what are you doing about the kiss?"

The kiss? I thought at least we had that covered. I mean, Elwood and I have been kissing regularly now for almost three years. Is there some kind of special wedding kiss we're supposed to know about? Is it supposed to be open-mouth? Closed mouth? Wet? Dry? What do you advise?

Sincerely,

Frazzled Bride

Chere Mlle. Bride,

Bien sur, the wedding kiss, it is being the exceedingly important business. You will be in front of the crowd of people all watching closely and judging your performance on the basis of the style, the creativity and the conviction. Everybody is noticing the slightest awkwardness and shaking the heads with the disapproval.

Fortunately, this is being the very little matter to overcome. First, it is mostly not mattering what kind of the kiss you are selecting. The chaste peck, it is tasteful and elegant, and it is not offending even the most prudish of the old grannies. This was being very popular when everybody was liking to pretend that everybody was very romantic and virginal and that the babies were mostly being left by the fairies under the cabbage leaves like the snails.

The slow, soft romantic kiss is being very popular now that generally everybody is supposing that even if you were not having the sex before, you are almost certainly doing it now that you are married to each other.

Whatever kiss you are selecting, the important thing is that you and M. Elwood are selecting the same one. You are not wanting to be going for the discreet peck while M. Elwood, he is coming for you with the tongue dangling.

Also, the practice, she is very important. You are not wanting to risk M. Elwood becoming nervous and forgetting which kiss he is supposed to be performing. If you are practicing before the ceremony, you can be smacking him very firmly on the head every time he is doing it wrong until he is thoroughly conditioned.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Bride, and remember: the only kiss which is entirely inappropriate is involving the lustful groping and slobbering. What are you thinking? There are the children watching you.

Under Pressure

Dear madame tourjrs

I think my wife may be over-sexed. I guess that isn't fashionable, or politically-correct or something, and some people will say I'm just a tool of the oppressive patriarchy that hates women and tries to dominate them through their sexuality, but I'm getting really desperate. She wants it twice a week, and I'm just not up to the job. Once a month would be fine with me, and the rest of the time we could just cuddle. It's not that she isn't gorgeous and sexy, and I like, you know, being with her, but gee, I'm busy, and the NBA playoffs were on, and I'm tired in the evenings. I don't dare stay in the house if she's watching a romantic movie, and I get chills when I see her reading one of those novels with the slab-chested guys on the covers.

She hasn't suggested Viagra yet, but those darn commercials on the television make me cringe. It's not like I can't perform. I just don't feel like it. Isn't there some way to cool her jets? I don't think I should be pressured for sex if I'm not in the mood.

Sincerely,

Put Upon

Cher M. Upon,

What for are you not being in the mood? Bien sur, you are having the fatigue and the amusing hobbies, but possibly you should be considering the inconvenience if you are being obliged to find the new wife. The divorce, it is being quite tiresome, and afterward is never being financially the same. Also, there is the time and trouble of finding the new wife and having the frequent sex with her so that she will be wishing to marry you. This is the exhausting work, n'est pas?

Oui, many of the husbands who are in your position, they are considering the subcontractors. This is not usually being the good idea. Generally, Madame is becoming so distracted by the new lover that she is no longer appreciating the old husband, and you are feeling neglected and having the risk that she is deciding to divorce you and marry the new lover. Now you are once again having the inconvenient divorcings.

Since you are wishing to be conserving the energies, I am giving you the handy tips for the efficient performance.

1. Plan ahead. Select the time when the marital duties are not interfering with the interests and amusements.

2. Assemble any props or accouterments you will require such as the astronaut costume or the champagne and flowers.

3. Explore the grand old tradition of the "faking it." Ask yourself, "What would M. James Bond be doing?" or "How am I doing this if I am the ruthless pirate prince?" Then do that even if it is not what you are actually feeling like doing. Naturally, this is making you feel silly. However, nobody is asking you to tell anybody you are a ruthless pirate prince only to give Madame the thrill as if you are him. This is the very simple gesture requiring very little effort and giving the enormous returns. Madame will be excited. She will be quickly satisfied, and will possibly feel so grateful, she will make you the sandwich while you are returning to the sporting events and the personal scratching which are your real interests.

Bon Chance, M. Upon, Soon you will be satisfying Madame on your own terms and with much less inconvenience to yourself than you suppose.

Platonic Friends?

Dear Madame Toujours,

My boyfriend and I are having an ongoing argument that I hope you can help us resolve. Rufus has many female friends who share his interest in aromatherapy and Tibetan chanting. He insists these are platonic friends and he has never had romantic feelings for any of them, but many of these friends are quite reasonably attractive, and I can't believe they really aren't interested in him. He says it is hard to find other men who share his interest in these areas and insists I am being unreasonably jealous.

Am I overreacting or is Rufus being naive to think these women are only interested in his chanting?

Sincerely,

Suspicious Nature

Chere Mlle. Nature,

Quelle domage. Always, it is difficult when you are having the beautiful young man and you are wishing to be locking him away and not sharing him with the greedy females who are wanting to steal him from you. Unfortunately, this is almost never the very good idea. Although M. Rufus may occasionally be liking to pretend he is your slave of love, the game, she is tiring if it is all of the time. In the long run, everybody is happier if you are resigning yourself to the friendships with the other female persons. After all, this is the charm of M. Rufus, that he is enjoying the conversations with the female persons as well as the sex, n'est pas?

Furthermore, although you are naturally regarding M. Rufus to be irresistible, it is being possible that the other female persons are not noticing this. Maybe they are finding him too short, or too blond, or too interested in their brains. If you are unsure whether this is the case, observe M. Rufus with his female friends. If les femmes are clearly attempting to entice M. Rufus, then you may wish to be very friendly to them while relating many amusing anecdotes about the mysterious disappearances of several women who were flirting with your last boyfriend.

Finally, I am observing that as long as everybody is thinking about the mutual interests, then it is the meeting of the minds, and the bodies, they are mostly going about their own businesses. For example, M. Rufus is saying, "I am meeting with Mlle. Marie, and possibly Mlle. Hortense will come also so that we can try out the new chants and smell the new herbs that Mlle. Marie is bringing. Are you wishing to be joining us?" Clearly, M. Rufus in being more interested in the chanting and the smelling than in the persons of the female persons. On the other hand, the time to be worrying is when M. Rufus is saying, "I am going to have the dinner with Mlle. Lisette because she is the wonderful charming individual." In this case, announce that you will be joining the party.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Suspicious. When you go to the dinner, order the steak. Toy with the steak knife with one hand while resting the other firmly on the thigh of M. Rufus and staring coldly at Mlle. Lisette. Everybody will be getting the point. Especially M. Rufus.

To Wed or Not to Wed

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a single woman, thirty-five, fit and attractive, intelligent, funny, easygoing and comfortably well off. The thing is, I have not met anyone I felt I could really spend my life with, and the dating is getting more and more tiresome. Now instead of callow youths who aren't ready to commit, all the men I meet seem to be wounded divorcees with emotionally traumatized teenage children. I have begun to wonder if it is really worth the time and effort to keep looking for that special guy. Can't a single woman be happy and fulfilled without a man?

Sincerely,

Still Single

Chere Mlle. Single,

Non. What the silly question, I, Europe's foremost matchmaker, am telling you that the life, she is empty without the man. This is not because you are not the perfectly sensible person all by yourself. Always, I am telling the women they should be having the interesting career or the hobby or at least making very much of the money because they cannot be expecting the man to be satisfying all of the emotional needs, but this is not meaning that you are not needing the man at all.

The man, he is satisfying the many important needs. For example, when you are having the man for your life, you are finding that you have never been closer to your mother. Now instead of calling her on the telephone to tell her that your childhood was hateful and she has ruined your life, you can be asking her advice concerning what you should do when M. le Husband, he is wearing the favorite baseball cap and watching the silly, noisy sports games in his underwear while eating cheese puffs and wiping the fingers on the couch. She is not knowing the answer. Her husband is doing this all of his life and although she is hating it, she is not being able to make him stop. That is why you have married M. le Husband in the first place--he is reminding you of your Pere. However, by the time you are finishing to talk about all of the obnoxious things the husbands are doing, the annoying sports programs are over and you can be watching the sensitive, family drama.

Also, the husbands, they are being exceedingly useful when you are having the cold feet in the bed at night. The most successful method to warm the feet is to be waiting until M. le Husband is being just on the edge of the sleep. Then quickly tuck the feet that are like the icy blocks of frozen meat into the backs of the knees where he is very warm. If you are doing this very often, then possibly M. le Husband is developing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is finding himself to be unable to sleep. This is good because then he is being unable to snore, so in addition to having the warm feet, you are sleeping very restfully.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Single, and hurry to find for yourself the husband.

Family Obligations

Dear Madame Toujours,

In a few weeks, I will be attending the wedding of my niece. While chatting with my sister (the mother of the bride), I realized we had a problem with the wedding. When my sisters and I got married, our four brothers took our grooms aside at the receptions and threatened to kill them if they ever mistreated us.

As I spoke to my sister, it occurred to me that my niece's only brother is a prancing homosexual--a lovely boy, but I just don't think he can pull off the ritual threatening of the groom. To whom does the responsibility fall in this case? To the uncles? My brothers certainly have the experience, but they don't know the groom well, so it might be awkward. The same goes for the cousins. I have a son about the groom's age, and my brothers have half a dozen sons between them. I broached the question to my brother in law, but he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I reminded him of how my brothers had offered to feed him his own tongue if he ever cheated on my sister. He turned kind of pale and green and pretended he didn't know what I was talking about--which is something my brother Hernesto will be looking into, believe me, but that's another story.

In the meantime, what should we do? Should my sister and I be responsible for threatening the groom, or will we have to forgo the tradition?

Sincerely,

The Bride's Auntie

Chere Mme. Auntie,

Oui, the wedding etiquettes, they are tres difficile, n'est pas? However, the solution, she is tres simple. First, the female types should not be attempting to perform the masculine duties. When the male relatives, they are threatening the accouterments of the groom, everybody is being very jocular and manly, and everybody is understanding everybody else, and they are being very open and straightforward and comfortable. The groom, he is understanding the boundaries.

The females, on the other hands, they are not having the jocular familiarity. When they are threatening the manhoods, the groom, he is staying awake nights imagining the mother in law sneaking up on him from behind, and then he is unable to perform the manly duties in the bedroom and nobody is getting any grandchildren.

I am sure if you mention the matter to M. Hernesto, he will arrange for the tasteful bachelor party, and when everybody is liquored up and feeling extremely pleased with one another, all of the uncles and the cousins and even M. the homosexual type brother will be taking the groom aside and explaining to him the consequences of the misbehaviors.

Bon Chance, Mme. Auntie. As regards the little matter of the brother-in-law, perhaps you may be consulting your sister before you are approaching M. Hernesto about the indiscretions. It may be that the cripplingly expensive jewelry or automobile is being better appreciated by the wife than the actual physical violences against the husband.

Taxtime

Dear Madam to shore,

I am a professional "male companion." Now that tax time has come around again, I find I am in the usual quandary as to how to list my profession on my tax forms. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Professional Guy

Cher M. Guy,

First, you must be determining whether you are the paid employee or the independent contractor. This, it is being not so difficult. If Madame, she is giving you the form W-2, then it is that you are the employee and you are filling out the form 1040. If, Madame is not giving you the W-2, and she is not withholding for you the federal taxes, then it is that you are filling out the schedule C. with the form SE. Tres simple, non?

Here it is where everything, it is being the little bit complicated. Many of the self-employed persons in the profession such as yours are wishing to have the discretion. When they are being asked what is the profession, they are liking to say, "housekeeper", or "landscape architect" or "masseuse". This is being no good. If you are the landscape architect, or the housekeeper, then you can only be deducting from the taxes the expenses which are having to do with the landscape architecture and the housekeeping. Soon, we will be discussing the deductions in the greater detail, but for now, you are simply being honest and straightforward and saying, "I am the professional male companion.

I will explain for you now what are some of the important things to be remembering when you are reporting for yourself the income. Many of the professional companions are finding themselves to be audited because they are forgetting that all of the little gifts from Madame, they are considered to be the income. This means that if Madame, she is putting the condo in Acapulco into your name, then you must be reporting this as the income for your taxes. Keep this in mind when Madame, she is giving you the very expensive gifts. Sometimes is being better to say, "but non, it is enough that I am having your love." Now you are not having the nuisance for the income tax, Madame, she is flattered, and you are still having the use of the condominium with Madame. Everybody is winning, non?

You are seeing that if you are the very skilled professional, then you are having very much of the income to report. You will wish to be offsetting some of the income with the itemized deductions. Many persons are being alarmed, thinking that the itemized deductions, they are the big difficult thing. But non. Simply list the expenditures which are applying to the professional business. Now you are seeing why it is being important that you are reporting the actual business. If you are the housekeeper or the masseuse, then you can only be deducting the expensive vacuum cleaners and the massaging tables. If you are listing the leopard print undergarments and the suggestive lingerie, then this is being considered only the hobby, and the Internal Revenue persons will suppose that you are the big fruit. As long as you are reporting the actual employment, then everybody is understanding that this is being the legitimate business expense.

Bon Chance, M. Guy and remember to file early. There is being no excuse for the lateness.

TechnoGirl

Dear Madame Toujours,

Last night, I asked my boyfriend Kyle to install my new network card and set up my email and Web browser. Kyle said he didn't have time and told me about his friend Tim's girlfiend Nina who just installed a new motherboard and CPU in her PC. He was very excited. I think I saw beads of sweat on his upper lip.

Madame Toujours, I have to draw the line somewhere. I can change the oil in my car and program the VCR, but a man has to be good for something. If it weren't for Kyle, I wouldn't even have this dumb PC. I was going to go for one of those pretty colored Macs, but Kyle thought we should both have PCs so he could help me maintain mine.

Plus, it's nice to feel I can depend on Kyle. Doesn't this Nina person realize girls like her are raising the bar for the rest of us? Is it fair for Kyle to make me feel inadequate because I can't build a computer from scratch? Do I have to be a techno-nerd just to keep my man? Where will it all end?

Sincerely,

Trying to Keep up with Nina

Chere Mlle. Trying,

Quelle domage. The new liberation for the women, it is sometimes tres difficile, n'est pas? Bien sur it is being all very well if you are building solar powered Mars orbiters out of the common kitchen utensils, but while this is very satisfying, it is not perhaps so much the big romance.

Possibly, you are thinking that the solution for the problem is to be hiring the large, Eastern European woman to break for Mlle Nina the knees. Please be calling off the hit. This is not the creative solution.

If I am understanding correctly what is for you the problem, this is not so much the question of the recombobulation of the technical thingies which you can be learning to do for yourself anyway. No, for you, this is the issue of the security.

You are wishing to know that M. Kyle, he is loving you for your bosoms and your sense of the humor not for the silly technical things that are becoming obsolete every six months so that you are always having to learn them all over again.

What you are forgetting is that someday, your bosoms, they will be obsolete, and he will grow used to your sense of humor, but the technical expertise, it is always new and exciting.

Here is what you must do. Advertise in the newspapers that you are wishing to assemble the technological support group for the female persons. Take turns meeting at the homes of the members. Make the schedule to decide who is bringing the refreshments such as scones and eclairs. Serve international coffees. Meet for lunch at the cafes chic. Some members may wish to bring their quilting or their needlepoint.

Possibly you are wondering how all of this is helping you with the technological things. Do not be silly. You were not really wanting to talk about the technological things anyway.

Bon Chance, Mlle. Trying, and perhaps you can be asking Mlle. Nina to help you to install the computer doohickies.