Jungle Lovin

Dear Madame Toujours,

I am a script editor with a small, independent film company, and this summer, I will be joining an exploratory team heading into the jungles of Peru to scout sites for a new Tarzan movie: Tarzan and the Jewel of the Heart of Darkness featuring Wayne “The Block” Jackson as Tarzan and Vance Octane as his evil twin brother Zantar.

I do pretty well with the ladies here at home as long as I tell them I am a casting director filling roles for a really big Spielberg blockbuster, but I am wondering about my chances for romance out there in the wilderness. How about those jungle girls with the bare boobies that we’re always seeing in the National Geographic? Are they into casting directors? Would they like to be extras in a big feature Spielberg movie?

Sincerely,
Jungle Lovin

Cher M. Lovin,

Bon chance with the very amusing cinematic career. However, I am not recommending l’amour with les femmes avec the boobies. While they are possibly being very impressed with the important casting persons, they are also mostly practicing the unusual religious rituals in which they are sacrificing the strangers such as the producers and the script editors to the giant anaconda god. While this is, perhaps, seeming to you to be the very interesting cultural experience, you will be learning from the science-fiction television—which is the impeccable source for the very accurate zoological informations—that the giant anaconda, he is many times amusing himself by eating his meals and then making the regurgitations so as to be having the entertainment of eating them again.

As you are traveling deeper into the jungles, you will also be encountering the giant, 8 foot spiders with the very alarming interspecies mating habits. Possibly, this can be captured on the films and used in the movie about M. Tarzan.

If you are escaping the giant spiders, you will soon be encountering the fabled ape-men of the jungle. If you are very fortunate, these unattractive persons will merely be eating you one limb at a time while keeping you alive so as to preserve the freshness of the steaks and chops, but if you are very unlucky, they will be deciding instead to make you their ape-man king. This is all very nice if you are enjoying that sort of thing, but you will also be required to make the marryings with ape-man queen. Possibly, this is not the big hardship for you if you are not being very much concerned about the feminine appearances, as she is probably shaving the legs but not the back.

Bon chance, M. Lover, and no doubt you will prefer the practicing of the celibacies until you are returning to the civilizations.